Imminent Turkey

« November 2015  

Memo to shoppers, the home front, and Billy Mitchell: YOU ARE DUMB.

We all know what would normally go in this space, but since we're heading into a holiday weekend, and I don't have the dedication I did as a young man, let's go straight into the holiday weekend with SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY BLACK FRIDAY!

And speaking of Black Friday, it's time for my reguar exhortation to don't. Just don't. Especially on Thanksgiving Day. Go ahead and do online stuff, that's mostly OK, but stay the fuck out of stores. Stop playing their game.

At this point, Black Friday isn't a sale, it's a bloodsport where corporations leverage decades of stagnant wages to pit the peons against each other for their own amusement. It's the Hunger Games with cheap TVs, to the extent that I understand The Hunger Games from five years of trailers full of weird hair and archery.

I already feel bad about the amount of suffering I cause just from normal everyday consumerism. Not bad enough to abandon consumerism, of course, but bad enough to buy my Chinese slave labor goods at Costco instead of Sam's Club. You know, baby steps. But at least I buy my shit during normal business hours, under normal business conditions, with hardly any trampling and only keeping minimum-wage employees away from their families in the evenings. I'm not doing very much, so it shouldn't be that tough for you to follow my example.

Congratulations to Minneapolis, the place where I would hang my hat if I were a hat guy. I am not in any way, shape, or form, a hat guy. So really, Minneapolis is where I hang my nerdy costume hoodies. And not really Minneapolis. A suburb just outside of it. But hey, I work downtown, so that counts. The point is, for a a sufficiently loose definition of "where I live', where I live has achieved a level of racism so far untouched by even the most southern of states. We shot up a Black Lives Matter protest.

Great job, Minneapolis! I'm pretty sure nobody else has bullet-wounded five protesters. Well, except for cops, but they have plausible deniability. And now there's some dispute over whether to treat it as a hate crime and whether or not the shooters were, as Black Lives Matter people said on Twitter, "white supremacists".

Of course they are. It wouldn't even matter if the three suspects in custody weren't white. They were, of course - this is the Midwest, after all - but if you target and shoot up a Black Lives Matter protest, I don't give a shit if you've never worn a white hood. I don't give a shit if you've never burned a cross. If you object to black people protesting the shooting of unarmed black men, that's how white supremacism expresses itself in 2015. Deal with it.

And finally, because everything has been so awful lately, and I'll be taking the holiday off (though you'll see a little Oldnerd updating over the weekend), I want to leave you with a couple of sentences. A couple of glorious, glorious sentences. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

“The television character does not match the plaintiff in appearance: GBF appears as a non-human creature, a giant floating head with no body from outer space, while Plaintiff is a human being. And when GBF loses his title, the character literally explodes, unlike Plaintiff." - Judge Anne Thompson.

"Plaintiff" was Billy Mitchell, occasional Donkey Kong champion and, if King of Kong is to be believed, frequent dickwaffle, who sued Cartoon Network because of its unflattering portrayal of a dickwafflesque video game champion. Needless to say, this sentence was part of why Judge Thompson dismissed the case. And dismissed it in a way that makes me very, very thankful.

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