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September 30th, 2014

Exasperation Overload

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Memo to Larry Kasanoff, Terry Myerson, and Eric Holder: GO FUCK YOURSELVES.

Politics angers me, human nature upsets me, but some things? Some things just fucking exasperate me. Like how I can't use the Comedy Central app on the XBox One because Microsoft and Comcast don't get along. Is it important? No. Does it exasperate me? Hell yes. And it also exasperates me when certain IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"It's a very big, epic sci-fi movie. This isn't a movie with a bunch of lines running around the page. We're not giving feet to the geometric shapes." - Larry Kasanoff, real live presiddent of a real live movie company, Threshold Entertainment, on his new intellectual property acquisition.

The property in question is, of course, Tetris. And yes, I got this from the goddamned Rolling Stone and multiple other sites, so if it's a hoax, they fooled everyone else first. But this isn't some Onion shit. This is an apparently legitimate attempt to make a Tetris movie because, well, you'll all go see a fucking Tetris movie.

Now, I'm not going to take issue with them turning it into a sci-fi epic. They turned Battleship into a sci-fi epic. Of course they were going to turn it into a sci-fi epic. No, I'm going to take issue with "lines running around the page". That's not a Tetris movie, that's a Qix movie, you fucking Philistine. Go fuck youself. And buy the rights to Qix and make a movie out of it.

"Windows 10 represents the first step in a whole new generation of Windows." - Terry Myerson, the executive vice president of the OS group at Microsoft, explaining why numbers don't mean anything anymore.

Where's Windows 9? Fuck you, that's where. They're calling it Windows 10, because nothing signals the first step like the number 10, or possibly 2, if it's binary. I'm actually shocked they didn't just call it "Windows" like they did with Tomb Raider 10 and Mortal Kombat 9. That bullshit is all the rage, but someone in marketing decided to be a whole different kind of stupid.

I mean, it's not like Windows has had any kind of consistent numbering scheme. It's worse than Madden. They've done version numbering (3.1), years (98, 2000), names (Vista, Me), weird acronyms (NT, XP), pseudo-version-numbers (7, 8), and now arbitrary digits. And that's not counting the dozens of splinter versions for servers, tablets, mobile devices, and phones. And if that sounds redundant, don't blame me, blame Microsoft. It makes Apple's switch from cats to California towns seem sane and sensible by comparison.

"It is fully possible to permit law enforcement to do its job while still adequately protecting personal privacy. When a child is in danger, law enforcement needs to be able to take every legally available step to quickly find and protect the child and to stop those that abuse children. It is worrisome to see companies thwarting our ability to do so.” - Soon to be former Attorney General Eric Holder.

And speaking of transparent marketing ploys, I hope whatever private industry job Eric Holder lands after leaving the Obama administration admires his ability to shamelessly play the "child in danger" law to be upset that tech companies like Apple are deciding that they can't trust government and law enforcement snoops and are making their devices more secure as a result.

And frankly, I'd love to know why Holder thinks it's possible to adequately protect personal privacy while catching bad guy child hurters, because so far, I don't think anyone's bothered trying. Holder's not incompetent, which means he knows he's full of shit. Even assuming it was ever a good idea to put faith in authority, that faith has been eroded until there was just enough left for Edward Snowden to blow to kingdom come. Lock your phones as best you're able. If the cops can't crack Windows 10, they can't find that bootleg copy of Tetris: The Movie on it.