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April 17th, 2014

Most Of The Problem

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Memo to General Mills, Tony Cardenas, and the Christian Science Monitor: YOU ARE THE PROBLEM.

There's an old saying that if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem. But you know who's really a part of the problem? The people actively creating the problem. I'm not part of the solution of any of the things I'm covering in SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY, but the assholes I'm talking about here are a much bigger part of the problem than I'll ever be.

American corporations have turned unreadable, incomprehensible fine print into an art form. I probably waive dozens of rights every week without knowing it, by clicking through license agreements, signing up for things online, and acquiescing to Terms of Use I will never see because it's impossible for any person to actually examine these things and make an informed decision.

General Mills, however, has found a new way to exploit this already hellish legal landscape. They've decided, by adding wording to their privacy policy, that if you "Like" any of their products on Facebook, or possibly even buy their cereal, you waive the right to sue them for any problems their products may cause, and instead have to settle through arbitration. I don't know why they think they get to say that, but it's probably because nobody's fucking stopping them. And that's a problem.


And speaking of nobody stopping, and in fact somebody enabling, corporate wrongdoing, let's talk about hot sauce. Specifically, Sriracha, who's been ordered to stop venting vast quantities of capsaicin-laced fumes from its Irwindale factory. And since we live when we live, the maker of Sriracha has said he'd rather move his factory to a town that doesn't mind being maced.

Enter Tony Cardenas, Democratic state representative, who, upon hearing this news, suggested Huy Fong Foods move to his district, tweeting "I love hot sauce but I love JOBS for the San Fernando Valley even more!"

More than the mucous membranes of his constituents, apparently. I mean, I love hot sauce, and I love jobs, but I hate pollution. Even ripe jalapeño pollution. Huy Fong doesn't own the air, and instead of shopping around for the most desperate laissez-faire district, they should do what they need to to outfit their factory so they don't pollute. But there's always someone more desperate, and that's a problem.


Chelsea Clinton is pregnant. Here is an actual chunk from an actual Christian Science Monitor article about Chelsea Clinton being pregnant. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

Perhaps it’s sexist even to ask the question – how will a grandchild affect her decision – but until she announces either way, it will be out there... If we had to guess, we'd say that Hillary Clinton will be a tad less interested in running for president now that she's about to be a grandmother."

Perhaps it's sexist? Here's a good way for you to clear that up. You presumably have access to various historical news databases, so you can find out how many times anyone has asked if a male politician will put his lifelong ambition on hold because one of his kids is having a baby. And if the answer is larger than motherfucking zero, I will be SHOCKED.

There have been billions of grandmothers in the past 250 years. There have been 44 presidents. The ellipses, by the way, hides a bit about the special bond between mother and daughter that, apparently, in the CSM author's mind, makes a woman more likely to trade being one of billions for being the leader of the free world. It's deeply, deeply sexist and offensive, and yes, that's a problem.