You Are Dumb, which is not a blog, posts new columns every weekday, except for most Tuesdays and the occasional fuckbotch. It is also a Twitter feed, @youaredumb, with content in a similar vein but much shorter. For a take on what a blog by me would be like, check out OLDNERD.
August 27th, 2015
Memo to Josh Dugger, statistically speaking Subway, and Paula Deen: YOU ARE DUMB.
Famous people and scandals. They're not very important, in the grand scheme of things, but their inappropriate and/or illegal sex and their casual racism sure are entertaining. And they make a good vague theme for SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY!
HA HA HA HA HA HA, fuck you, Josh Duggar.
I know I said that last week, but it's still true. The ruination of Josh Duggar's life will not make up for the harm caused by the Ashley Madison leak, but it's better than nothing. What's new in Duggar-land this week?
Well, first there were the revelations that Duggar paid thousands of dollars to have sex with a porn star he'd been watching for a very long time, and treated her violently, threw her around, and didn't wear a condom. Though, to be fair, his entire sexual education to date has been from the Duggar family and Internet porn, so it's entirely possible he's never heard of condoms in his entire life.
But for me, it's much funnier to hear that he's entered essentially rehab for his porn addiction. So what you're telling me is, an entire lifetime of being taught a super-devout, super-creepy Christian anti-sex abstinence worldview wasn't enough to keep him away from the demon porn, but a few months in a "treatment program" ought to do the trick? Especially the same kind of "treatment program" he went through for sister-diddling when he was a teen? I'm pretty sure we need to point this out every single time someone says sex-ed should be based on Biblical principles.
In other wholesome-seeming creepy-fucker news, I haven't talked about Jared Fogle yet because, well, there's not much there for me to go into. But the first inevitable story has started to break that, surprise surprise, people had suspicions about him and told Subway about those suspicions and Subway said "thanks" and went back to their extensive work expanding their menu and preparation options to the point where one motherfucker in front of you deciding he wants his shit toasted can ruin your entire lunch break.
The stories, being stories, may not be true. But it certainly would be consistent with every other single organization that is, in one way or another, connected with someone who gets caught fucking kids. They either don't want to know, so they work very hard not to look, or (and often "and"), they find out, and cover it up for as long as they can in the mistaken belief that that will somehow help. So if Subway did the same thing, it will not be a huge surprise.
And finally, your Paula Deen update. Deen will be joining the new season of Dancing With The Stars. It's a good move for her, because it plays to her two biggest strengths - moving with agility and grace, and selecting tasteful costumes for a themed presentation.