You Are Dumb, which is not a blog, posts new columns every weekday, except for most Tuesdays and the occasional fuckbotch. It is also a Twitter feed, @youaredumb, with content in a similar vein but much shorter. For a take on what a blog by me would be like, check out OLDNERD.
March 26th, 2015
Memo to America's Warmongers: YOU ARE DUMB.
Fun fact: The Republican Party continues to fetishize bombing Iran.
Over eight years ago, in my youth, I was wrong about something. Specifically, I was wrong about a timeframe. Now, personally, I see this as a true example of the health benefits of cynicism - I was pleasantly surprised when we made it to the next president without bombing Iran, instead of being horrified had the bombs dropped.
But I wasn't wrong about the desire. The desire persists. It persisted when John McCain sung about it, and it persists to this day. You know how you can tell? Let me walk you through the subtle, subtextual clues.
“Maybe once he starts doing that he’ll realize we do need to bomb Iran’s nuclear facilities that we know of and anything that they move to fix, we bomb that as well.” - American congressman Louie Gohmert.
Now, admittedly, Louie Gohmert's tiny, tiny brain is also completely insane, but all that means is that he's crazy and dumb enough to say it.
Why do you think 47 Republican senators sent a largely unprecedented letter trying to scuttle Obama's negotiations with Iran? Why do you think several Republican governors jumped on board? Why do you think potential Republican presidential nominees are already pledging not to honor any deal Obama strikes with Iran?
It's because they want to bomb Iran, and a deal would keep them from bombing Iran. Of course, the funny thing is, Iran may scuttle the deal anyway, just by being assholes, but Iran should really be paying attention to GOP rhetoric and make a deal, because if not, these assholes are going to blow up anything a satellite thinks might be a nuclear facility and the surrounding blocks.
Why do they want to bomb Iran? The usual reasons. Misplaced masculine insecurity. Xenophobia. Racism. Religious bigotry. And, of course, there's the Republican party's weird, creepy relationship with Israel.
If Israel didn't find the relationship so useful, they'd take out a restraining order against Republicans. It's the kind of unhealthy obsession you'd normally see in a Lifetime movie. Israel isn't just a country like any other, with governments that change and policies that may or may not be wise. No, Republicans put Israel on a pedestal. They treat its current prime minister as a stand-in for all of Israel, Israel as a stand-in for all of Judaism, Judaism as a stand-in for Western Civilization, and, of course, Western Civilization as a stand-in for Christianity. It's pretty fucked up.
I honestly think the whole thing's been so tangled up in their minds that they don't know if they're trying to bomb Iran to make Israel happy, or using keeping Israel happy as an excuse to stoke their war-boners with some Persian blood. And really, it doesn't even matter. It's just important to remember that bombing Iran is an essential issue of the 2016 presidential election. Republicans definitely want to, Hillary might want to, and we get to choose between them.