Archive - Nov 2005

November 30th

It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Stupid

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Memo to Bastards and Fools: YOU ARE DUMB.

BASTARDS:

Stop buying up XBox 360's just to sell on eBay. Yes, you will make a couple hundred bucks. But until you posted your auction, only your immediate friends, family, and everyone on the Sailor Moon hentai message board* knew you were a waste of skin and protoplasm. Now, we ALL do.

And these are not the rantings of a disappointed gamer unable to score himself a smoking lump of concave gaming glory. I'm not looking for the 360. Don't want one yet. As a result of not wanting one yet, here's a fascinating, novel twist: I DIDN'T FUCKING BUY ONE.

Shut up. I've heard all the arguments. Years ago. Whether it was Star Wars figures or Elmo dolls or Beanie Babies, I've heard it all before. You can take your "supply and demand" and your "capitalism" and you can choke them down like stale Cheetos. You're not a capitalist. You're an invisible leech on the invisible hand. Adam Smith called, and he says you smell like dead feet.

You did not build the console. Ergo, you are not providing a product. And since anyone in their right mind would rather deal with (even) an EBGames clerk than you and your ilk, you're not providing a service either. You are not part of the economic process. You are a hurdle. An impediment. An obstacle. You exploit, for no other reason than because you can, and because you have nothing better to do. And you wouldn't even exist in the first place if it weren't for...

FOOLS:

For fuck's sake, people. WAIT. That's all I ask. WAIT. I play more video games than any human being should be allowed to, and I'm perfectly capable of waiting. If I can do it, you can too. And so can your kids. WAIT.

These things will be on store shelves in due time. In a month or two, you will be able to walk into the retail outlet of your choice, pay the standard retail price of $400 for the system, and walk out the door. You don't need one under the tree on December 25. And you certainly don't need one bad enough to warrant a trip to an online ripoff artist.

If it's for you, and you're shelling out, you're just a fucking idiot. I cannot help you. I probably cannot stop you. But I know one thing. You have no fucking clue why you think you want a 360 so bad. You know how I know that? Because if you were really so devoted, and so certain that you wanted one, that you made your arrangements months ago, when they started taking the pre-orders.

And if you got screwed out of your preorder, you should be so pissed off you won't even want to look at a 360 until February anyway.

And if you're a PARENT, not only do you not know why your kids want one so bad, but your kids don't either. So just stick an IOU in a big box under the tree, and teach your kids a valuable lesson about deferred disappointment. Sure, they may feel bad on Christmas, but they still have hope in their hearts. The tragedy will be forgotten within a few weeks, when they get their console and it's either the culmination of their wettest polygonal dreams, or, more likely, when they realize they suck at Project Gotham 3 and have to save up another six weeks of allowance to find out if they suck at Perfect Dark Zero, too.

BOTH OF YOU STUPID FUCKS:

The only person you're helping is Bill Gates, you know. If the reports are right, every time someone buys a 360 in a store, Bill Gates has to light a hundred and forty bucks on fire and shove the flaming money up his assistant's ass**.

So it's in his (and his assistant's) best interest to not actually sell that many consoles for a while, while simultaneously making sure they can sell as many as they want to down the road. So every time a 360 goes for $700 dollars on eBay, it builds hype without costing Bill Gates one flaming dime. And it's all because you're a scumsucking leech or an impatient moron. Merry Christmas.

*So many searchers are gonna be disappointed when this hits Google...

**Don't feel bad. He gets full medical, full dental, and gets six weeks paid vacation every year. And he makes more than enough to cover his added expense in Tucks medicated pads.