Archive - Feb 11, 2005

Other Countries Are Stupid Too, Sometimes

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You know, there's a lot to hate about living in this country at this time. Fundamentalists on the rampage, idiocy on the airwaves, the absolute horrifying certainty that "Hitch" will be number one at the box office come Monday... if only there were one shining beacon of hope that could get us all through the weekend.

Oh, wait! Here's one. NONE OF US LIVE IN ENGLAND RIGHT NOW.

We here at Yankees Are Dumb Dot Net would like to extend our warmest sympathies to our readers across the pond, as you gear up for what will surely be a minimum of two months of rampant, full-barrel idiocy over the Charles/Camilla thing.

I mean, even the faint whiff we've gotten over here in the first day is enough to make me long for the quiet innocence of American stupidity, where a fake reporter for a right-wing website gets a White House press pass under a false name so he can ask softball questions containing made-up quotes from the mouth of Rush Limbaugh to a President who can barely write his own name in crayon. We may be deeply fucked up, but at least we come by our fuckedupness honestly, through graft, corruption, and high levels of lead in our water supply. The British have to rely on inbreeding and the last vestiges of monarchy to send their entire country into a spasm of retarded activity.

The way I understand it (which may be different from what actually happened, I admit) is that Prince Charles married Diana Spencer in an attempt to create archival news footage that would outlast the pyramids and "Frampton Comes Alive" in longevity and ubiquitousness. At the same time, Diana was probably banging a guy named Hewitt, and Charles was seeing* Camilla Parker Bowles on the side

At some point during that time, it was revealed that Charles' idea of saucy romance was to wish he could be a tampon and crawl up Ms. Bowles' cooter. Then Chuck and Di got divorced, presumably because they hated each other and let's face it, the tampon thing is really fuckin' creepy to this day. I mean, what prominent American public figures could admit to identifying strongly with a plastic applicator and still do charity work? Besides Michael Jackson. And Dick Cheney.

So anyway, Charles and Diana went their separate ways, until eight years ago, when one of those separate ways dead-ended in a concrete bridge pillar, and then only one of them went his separate way, which apparently involved continuing his relationship with Camilla into the menopause years, at which point Charles was forced, as a victim of biology, to begin ardently wishing he were an adult diaper. And then, yesterday, they announced they'd be getting married in April.

This announcement threw England into an uproar, forcing it to answer the eternal question of whether it's OK for old ugly rich famous people to do stuff that the rest of us have been doing for decades - having affairs, marrying divorcees, remarrying after our wives are chased to their doom by paparazzi... I believe it's ACTUAL NOT TEA TIME BUT RATHER QUOTE TIME!

"It just seems a bit hypocritical that she could be on the throne when she had an affair with Charles while he was married to Diana. I think (the marriage) could cause quite a lot of problems. And why so quickly? Why did they not say they would get married next summer?" - Rita Tremain, who is one of over five hundred thousand average citizens who were asked their opinion by journalists in the first three hours after the announcement.

I think it's incredibly merciful for there to be such a short engagement. If the media coverage is anything to go by, the sooner it's over, the better. Will she be Queen? Should she be Queen? Will she be Queen but not be -called- Queen? What will she be called? Replace "Queen" with "Princess of Wales", rinse, repeat.

You know who I feel bad for? Kim Jong Il. Gets named to the Axis of Evil, sure, but then we invade Iraq because of nuclear weapons they didn't have. Now we're talking about bombing Iran for nuclear weapons they may or may not have. Meanwhile, when North Korea finally comes out and tells the world "HEY! WE HAVE NUCLEAR WEAPONS, DAMMIT!", the story is completely overshadowed by two middle-aged Brits who've been humping for a couple of decades deciding to tie the knot. That's gotta rankle.

So enjoy your media frenzy for the next eight weeks or so, England. And don't worry. Around the time Charles and Camilla have been whisked away to their Highland honeymoon, we'll proably be gearing up for the Bill Cosby drug-and-grope trial, and you can go back to feeling justifiably superior, at least until the next costume party.

*I did TRY to use the verb "banging" here as well, but something about that word associating with Prince Charles makes my brain want to fill in all its wrinkles and convolutions with Fimo and then bake itself into a smooth, slightly quivering mass.