Archive - Mar 2005

March 18th

Spastic Topic Monkey Friday Rides Again

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Been a bit since I've done one of these, now that I think about it. The Topic Monkey has been practicing Zen meditation and relaxation exercises, and has been terribly calm of late, only to relapse suddenly and horribly when it heard the news about Paul Wolfowitz running the World Bank.

I mean, what the FUCK? Paul Wolfowitz? The guy who has, by most measures, never gotten anything right ever? I mean, there's incompetence, and then there's INCOMPETENCE. He is correct two fewer times per day than a stopped clock. Joel Schumacher heard the news, and is rumored to have expressed wonder at how Wolfowitz keeps getting hired to do things. That's how much of a fuckup Wolfowitz is.

At least we all know why, a few weeks ago, John Snow floated BONO as a possible choice for the job on one of the Sunday news shows. To make picking Wolfowitz seem relatively tame by comparison. "Sure, Wolfowitz doesn't know shit about economics or development. Sure, his predictions have, in retrospect, proved less apt than a crack-fueled fever dream. But at least he's not an egotistical Irish rock singer in tight pants and oversized sunglasses!"

Wolfowitz at the World Bank, Condi at State, Karen Fricking Hughes at State... you know what the Bush administration is? I'll tell you. You know how, every once in a while, you're sitting around with a bunch of your friends, and one of you starts off with "Man, if I were in charge of everything..."? And then that guy starts handing out fake appointments? "Yeah, Bob, I'd totally make you Secretary of Defense, because you have two guns. MIke, you can have Finland when I rule the world. All of Finland. Katie would be in charge of secretly killing everyone I hate."

The Bush administration is the closest thing we have to that in real life. Once Dubya got his second term and didn't have to worry about anything, it was all "Paul, you can run the big bank, 'cause you're so good at that when we play Monopoly." and "Joel, you can make the next Batman movie. Screw Christopher Nolan. What the fuck was up with Memento, anyway? Making a movie backwards. I should have him sent to Gitmo. Made no sense." I think he made John Bolton the ambassador to the U.N. 'cause he loves Bolton's walrus impersonation.

I hear Wolfowitz's first proposal is to put ATM's in all the Third World countries and start charging fees for withdrawing foreign aid.


Other than their magical ability to raise the blood pressure, the best part about reading letters to the editor in the local paper is when you hit something, and you cannot, to save your fucking life, decide whether the person writing it is really serious. They express a viewpoint that could only be expressed by someone making shit up for a laugh, but do so in a way so completely devoid of any of the standard Sarcasm Markers that you're forced to conclude they are just barely sane enough to recognize what a typewriter and postage stamp are used for. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Right after Minneapolis bans leaf blowers (Star Tribune, March 15), I wish it would focus on a much more disturbing fuel-combustion menace: buses. These big, gas-guzzling machines literally shake the windows of my apartment when they rev their engines down Hennepin Avenue. I can't even sit outside and read a book in the summertime due to their obscene noise! It's time bus riders get rid of their "me, me, me" attitude so the rest of us can have some peace and quiet." - One "Kevin Watterson" of Minneapolis.

See what I mean? Buses as "gas-guzzlers"? Yeah, if you buy one to commute by yourself to work, bus mileage could be considered worse than an SUV. But nobody does that. "Obscene noises"? I've heard plenty of obscene noises during my association with public transit, I'll admit, but traditionally, you have to be on the bus and sitting in front of someone with a cell phone for that. Not really audible from street level. How can anyone write about bus-rider's "me, me, me" attitude with a straight face when he wants to eliminate public transit because he can't concentrate on his book? Yet everything I know about semantics, sarcasm, and comedy tells me Mr. Watterson means every word. Fucking amazing.


If it were up to me, and it SHOULD fucking well be up to me, Terry Schiavo would die. Not of peaceful starvation after removal of her feeding tube, but in some kind of wacky, Rube Goldberg freak accident involving two judges, a nun, three window washers, Margaret Dumont, several pies, and Roy Moore's Ten Commandments monument. And it would all get caught on tape, set to the tune of "Yakety Sax", and aired this Sunday on CBS in place of "Spring Break Shark Attack". Then, at least, her last days would have some dignity.