Archive - Apr 2005

April 29th

Tell Someone About You Are Dumb Day

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It's hard to believe, but an actual You Are Dumb annual tradition has rolled around. Actually annually, actually a tradition.

May 1, or the Friday closest to it, we celebrate "Tell Someone About You Are Dumb Day". The one day a year in which I, the writer, ask you, the readers, to go out there and spread the word about the site. Not that many of you don't do this already, posting to your livejournals and your blogs and your favorite message boards when I've had a particularly good day. But today, I ask everyone who can to mention it somewhere. Somewhere online, somwhere offline, wherever. Mention it to people who'd like it. Mention it to people who'd hate it. I don't care.

After 16 months, about three hundred people a day, and about two thousand unique IPs a month, visit YAD. It has a Google page rank of 4, which means that I get a fair number of search hits when I pounce on something reasonably obscure. And while I do view YAD as primarily a form of self-entertainment that other people happen to also enjoy, as any Arctic exlporer or Catholic priest will tell you, there's nothing wrong with a bit of exposure every now and then.

For those of you actually visiting YAD because someone told you about it, welcome. Except for the cheap shot at Catholics above, today's plea for attention is actually an astonishingly shitty introduction to what You Are Dumb is all about. So a little explanation, a little backstory, and some selected highlights from the recent archives.

You Are Dumb is a column, appearing most every weekday, in which I tell dumb people that they're dumb. I'm not interested in raising the level of discourse. I'm not interested in opening a dialogue. Dumb people ruin shit for the rest of us, and thus, I mock them. It's a mix of attempted comedy, attempted insight, attempted vitriol, occasional attempted humility, and a wildly successful exploration of the vernacular of the pottymouth.

YAD is not a blog. Reader interaction is limited to e-mail and the We Are Not Dumb forum. One column a day except for days when there are no column. And speaking of the columns, here are the highlights I promised.

STAR WARS:"Upon hearing the news, the assembled Star Wars fans rushed home to line up around their microwave ovens and wait for the shows to start."

HOMOSEXUALITY AND SOCIETY:"But you better take some time out from the year-long curriculum of "buttsex is icky" to throw in a unit on counting. Because when your home-schooled little darling grows up, he'd FUCKING WELL BETTER GET MY ORDER RIGHT. If being gay is a sin, shorting me a Taco Supreme is a war crime."

TENUOUS POLITICAL ANALOGIES:"Colleges are the Irkutsk of politics. Nobody really wants them, but the left tends to end up with them by default. They don't have vast strategic importance, and the only reason Horowitz and his cronies are gunning for them now is that they've taken everything else over except Berkeley and Hollywood."

RELIGION:"Popes are to Catholics as puppies are to small children. They're cute, nice to have around, fun to dress in funny hats, and if one happens to die, well, it's down to the shelter for Pope #2! You'll be sad for a little while, but you'll have a new pope soon enough. And he'll be the same color as the old pope, and he'll have about as much hair, but he'll be younger and more sprightly and will bound around the world making sure nobody ever uses condoms. It'll be adorable."

DELAY VERSUS TURTLE:In which I compare Tom DeLay to a turtle, with predictable results.

SEX WITH ANIMALS:"After all, the South does take it in the cow-hole quite a bit from this website, and ignoring Mr. Hart's unique interpretation of "cow pie" would open me up to charges of being biased, of being willing to overlook the bovine bedhopping of the North while castigating the porcine peccadilloes of the South. Not I. I am an equal opportunity critic, and if you do the interspecies mambo*, I don't care where you're from. Not a lot of cowfuckers in our big cities, of course. Probably because of the relative availability of both hookers and broadband."

FERNIE. Fernie is the closest thing to an unofficial mascot the site has. Fernie, the Hating Fern made his appearance on February 9, as a filler for a column-less day. He then reappeared, in his new, improved form, for the annual birthday non-column, got a T-Shirt, and then got used for a cheap Pope joke.

There you have it. You Are Dumb Dot Net. Global human stupidity chronicled five days a week. Tell your friends. Tell your enemies. And we'll all meet back here on Monday for more of the same. 'Cause there's a lot of dumb people out there.