Archive - May 10, 2005

If You're Not Part Of The Solution...

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I like negativity.

I know, I know. You're shocked. Horrified, even. Well sit down. Some people think that it's not enough to bitch about stuff. You have to "offer solutions". You can't just oppose, you have to support something else. And while these people are stupid and wrong, I will indulge them, just this once, because that's how gracious I am. You want solutions? I got solutions.

They've been debating the fucking "pharmacists with consciences" thing in the Star Tribune editorial pages again. Have they not settled this yet? I've discussed this before, pill-dispensers at drugstores deciding that the sluts who come in for birth-control pills won't get them from the good, invasive, busybody Christian behind the counter. Usually because they heard in an e-mail somewhere that the pills strangle babies or something.

Now, I've proposed a solution to this before. Legislatively, it's known as the Shut The Fuck Up And Give Me My Pills You Minimum Wage Register Jockey Act of 2005. But apparently, this solution isn't sensitive enough. It doesn't respect the need of the whiny pill-counting fuck with moral objections to birth control. So I extend a hand to the whiny fucks. And I promise I won't slap you with it. This time. Honest.

What we need is a way to allow the whiny fucks to object, while preventing their objection from actually affecting anyone else. So here's what I propse. Don't pass laws preventing pharmacists from objecting. Don't pass laws protecting them when they do object. Pass a law that encourages the kind of free-market, capiatalist solution that a certain end of the political spectrum loves so much.

Simply pass a law that requires all pharmacies to have one person on staff at any time who is willing to dispense any medicine legally prescribed by a doctor. Doesn't have to be the whiny fuck. The whiny fuck can object all he wants, step into the breakroom for a second, and let the non-whiny clerk on duty go ahead and put a pre-measrued box of progesterone into a bag and swipe a credit card. The woman gets her pills, and the whiny fuck can sleep at night knowing he sure didn't strangle any babies by proxy.

Yes, this might perhaps put a bit of market pressure in the hiring process, at pharmacies that can only have one person on duty at a time, but that's capitalism for ya. Just find a nice big pharmacy at a Wal-Mart or something, and you'll be fine. You can cry for all the prevented lives, women can go about their business without you waving your bible in their face, everybody wins. Problem solved. NEXT.

Another problem, apparently, is corruption in government. Now, I can't solve all of it - fuck knows I tried, but not enough people listened to me in November. But I know how to solve some of it. All you have to do, America, is stop being such raging fucking homophobes.

You see, because America is full of raging homophobes, gay politicians have to stay in the closet. Deep, deep in the closet. And when you're deep in the closet, it's really, REALLY tough to get laid. Especially when you're a public official. Which means, if you want to get laid, you need to get the object of your affection close to you, but in a way that makes it seem from the outside like it's not for a bit of the old how do you do. So these people end up getting government positions they don't deserve. The New Jersey governor got caught doing it. Depending on who you believe, that may be how Jeff Gannon got his White House press pass. I'm a bit unsure of that myself. I saw Gannon on Bill Maher a coupla weeks ago, and anyone paying to fuck him must have a serious fetish for the paralyzed, zombified Dr. Evil type.

And in Spokane, Washington, mayor James West, and you can all say this next part with me in unison, 'cause I bet you know what's coming, a RIGHT-WING ANTi-GAY REPUBLICAN, got stung by a newspaper. The mayor had, apparently been spending a fair amount of time in his office visiting gay chat rooms. So a reporter visited those chat rooms, posed as an 18 year old hot guy, and soon enough, Mayor "Go" West was offering him sports memorabilia and an internship. It's like "Punk'd", only it's really, really funny.

The mayor, caught red-handed, could only say the newspaper was "persecuting" him, which, for a longime staunch opponent of gay rights, is what we in the business call too damn bad. But he never would have had these problems if he could have admitted to all of Spokane, withotu fear of political retribution, that he liked dick. No secrecy, no self-loathing, no desperate covering for his secret lusts by attacking the gay community, just a happy, gay mayor, free to seduce 18-year-olds online in his spare time. No fake internships. Everybody's happy. Well, except the homophobes, but they deserve to be miserable. PROBLEM SOLVED. Next!