Archive - May 12, 2005

On Urban Convenience

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Memo to Minnetonka nutjobs: YOU ARE DUMB.

I love living in a major metropolitan area. I sincerely love it. Because here, you get access to damn near everything. Arthouse movies, mall game stores, obscure ethnic cuisine, heck, even something that, on the surface, sort of resembles a modern transit system, if you squint hard and look fast. A bit more crime? Sure. A bit more pollution? Definitely. But that's a fair tradeoff for a variety of experiences so broad that I often feel guilty I don't take advantage of even a fraction of them.

There are some things you miss out on, living as I do my half-urban, half-suburban existence. Cow shit, for one. We get the horse shit from time to time, thanks to those who protect and serve, but cow shit is simply not part of the urban experience. As far as I know. I've been wrong about stuff before. For example, I thought that the black-helicopter, tinfoil-hat, New World Order paranoia was pretty much a rural phenomenon.

The militias, the compounds, the reaching for a gun every time you hear the word "United" next to the word "Nations"... I honestly thought that was beyond the purview of even the suburbs. Mostly due to the real estate prices, honestly. Because if you are in fact bugfuck and looking to build a compound to hold off the gummint forces when the secret Swiss banker dwarves finally decide it's time to make their move, it's a lot easier to afford in the middle of Montana than it is in a Minneapolis suburb.

But I was wrong. The crazies are out in force in Minnetonka. Minnetonka! So close to me that, given a decent tailwind and a tall balcony, I could hit it with a stream of my very own piss. They came out of the woodwork recently when the MInnetonka school system added an advanced studies program from the International Baccalaureate, provides about a dozen different college-level classes. It's like AP, except it's run out of Switzerland.

The IB program talks about having a "global" focus, and as we all know, the word "global" is the Pavlovian bell of the paranoid, anti-UN, frequently a bit rapturous, crazy people. And thus they came forth, driven by fear that their children might learn something un-American from a program that, well, wasn't entirely American. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!"

"The International Baccalaureate rejects the Judeo-Christian values held by the majority of families in our district and instead promotes the atheistic Secular Humanist principles of multiculturalism, pacifism, one-world government, and moral relativism." - From the petition opposing the IB program.

Have we actually slipped so far down the church-state slope that a public school program not endorsing Christianity* is a mark against it? Yes we have. And, you know, I can see coming out against one-world government (as if it were going to happen) and moral relativism (because people are like that), but it takes some serious cojones to come out against multiculturalism and peace**.

But, you know, maybe the hundred or so people who signed the petition didn't read the whole thing before they signed it, and thought they were getting on Ikea's mailing list or something. Perhaps some quotes from actual Minnetonka residents will clear up this confusion.

"Our education system is the envy of the world. Why would we want to subordinate that to some organization connected with the United Nations?" - Paul Borowski. Maybe so they could, oh, I don't know. Grow up to not be so fucking ignorant that they actually believe our education system is the envy of the world? Also, for the record, I couldn't actually find anything regarding a UN-IB connection - apparently they got some money from the UN in the 60's and some UN schools use it, but that's it. Of course, the lack of a public connection is proof of a deep, secret connection that's out to get us all.

"I'm a Christian, so I was very concerned about the controversy [My pastor is] really sharp, and he said it is anti-Christian. I guess I have to accept that as his opinion." - Susan Campbell, who failed to see her other option - not being such a complete fucking SHEEP and taking the five minutes I took to find out that the "anti-Christian" accusation stems from the inclusion of Carl Sagan's "The Demon-Haunted World" on the program's reading list.

"The Demon-Haunted World" is, essentially, Carl Sagan debunking the paranormal. UFO's. Pesudoscience. Faith-healing. Took me 30 seconds to find this out on Amazon, Ms. Campbell. Didn't need no pastor, just a bit of God's own broadband. If you really believe a pro-science book is anti-Christian, then you should be home-schooling your kids, so that the rest of us have an ample supply of organ donors in a coupla decades.

"My fear is that my kids are going to be taught America isn't better than any other country in the world." - Borowski again. Which is painfully ironic, because at the end of the day, when America isn't better than any other country in the world, it's precisely the fault of fucks like Borowski.

*I find it fascinating that, despite apparently being half of the term, I've never heard a Jewish person cite "Judeo-Christian values" as a reason to get more religion into the public sector.

**If any opponents of multiculturalism happen to be reading this right now, "cojones" is Spanish for "testicles".