Archive - May 17, 2005

The Importance Of Pacing

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Memo to the Right-Wing Irony Machine: SLOW DOWN.

Seriously, it's getting very difficult for me to keep track of, much less keep up with, the number of ultraconservative psychos who are getting caught fucking orifices, genders, or species they're not supposed to. If you all would perhaps spread out your admissions and allegations a bit, it would make my life a hell of a lot easier, you know.

We've already talked about Jim West, the rabidly anti-gay mayor of Spokane, who taught us that if you troll gay chat rooms because you like fucking young men (and just HOW young is a debate that has yet to be settled), you're not gay, you're actually ASEXUAL. Maybe it's the beginnings of an attempt to redefine "asexual" the way they want to redefine "torture", that way every moralistic godmonkey caught with his dick in the cookie jar can claim it's not his fault. He's too asexual for his car, too asexual for his car, too asexual by far.

Here's one thing "asexual" doesn't mean. It doesn't mean ANY PORT IN A STORM. Presented for your disapproval, Dr. W. David Hager. The last time you heard Hager's name, Bush had stuck him on the FDA's advisory panel for contraceptive issues. He was instrumental in keeping emergency contraception prescription-only (thereby also allowing the Asshat Pharmacist Problem to arise), and generally interfering with RU-486 as well. He's a gynecologist! The author of "As Jesus Cared For Women"! And if his ex-wife is to be believed, occasional dabbler in the anal rape. OOPS.

To be fair, in Hager's case, this is not a strict case of right-wing hypocrisy. His entire career has been based on women not having control of their own bodies, after all, so why should his narcoleptic wife have control of her body? Women simply have to be prepared to live with certain biological consequences of their bad choices, after all. And apparently the bad choice of marrying Dr. Hager means accepting the consequence of seven years of unwanted back-door shenanigans that start while you're unconscious.

The former Mrs. Hager finally told her story, she said, after hearing a speech by Buttburglar at Asbury College where he waxed all pious and bullshitty about the collapse of his marriage, and pushing the "liberals are waging a war against Christianity, and I'm one of the victims" line. So she went to the Nation, and now we all know how Hager allegedly likes it - all anal, all non-consensual, all the time.

But there is some good news for Hager - his wife IS human, which gives him the silver in the Pro-Life Sexual Olympics. The judges scored it pretty narrowly, but did end up ranking "anal rape of your sleeping wife" slightly below "publicly admitting to fucking livestock on national radio" in the grand scheme of things. I think it was a degree of difficulty thing. Or possibly a slight misstep on the dismount.

Ladies and gentlemen, let me set the stage. The place? Alan Colmes radio show. (Alan Colmes is the partner of Sean Hannity - their relationship differs from Hager and his ex in that Colmes/Hannity's is metaphorical). The players? Colmes and Neal Horsley, native Georgian, anti-abortion extremist. You know that big deal a while back about a website listing abortion doctors names and addresses, in "wanted poster" format, and one of 'em got killed? That site was Horsley's.

So anyway, Horsley's on the radio, and Colmes asks him about accusations he's fucked men and animals. He doesn't cop to the gay stuff, but seemed to have no problem insisting that "When you grow up on a farm in Georgia, your first girlfriend is a mule." And he wasn't joking, or playing around, he was dead serious. Look it up - the full transcript's out there. Streaming audio, even.

In addition to being completely insane, completely hilarious, and yet another of America's self-imposed morality police turning out to be both freaky and deaky, it raises a new question for those of us here at You Are Dumb Dot Net. As we've seen in the past, in Louisiana they fuck pigs, in Wisconsin they fuck cows, and now, apparently in Georgia, they fuck mules. Probably 'cause they learned mules can't get pregnant. Three different states, three different animals.

I'm beginning to suspect that, much like flowers, birds, and commemorative quarter backs, each state has it's own official-but-secret Bestiality Target. Perhaps caribou in Alaska - it's where they want to drill, after all. Me, I grew up in New York and Connecticut, and never fucked any animals, but you know. Late bloomer and all. Hell, I don't even know what we're supposed to fuck here in Minnesota - can't even get a clue from our sports teams. Twins and Vikings are both human, and Wild is awfully vague. Given the weather, it's probably tauntauns. And you thought they smelled bad on the OUTSIDE.