Archive - May 23, 2005

Fernie Update

« May 2005 »

I know you're all concerned, so I'll tell you everything I can.

Ever since they pulled Fernie out of that spider plant* and sent him to Gitmo, the letters of support have been pouring in. Obviously, there's a lot I still can't discuss, but here's what I can tell you.

ALLEGATIONS OF ABUSE: The Army can't hide behind its flimsy "watering and fertilizing" defense forever. We're struggling to get our day in court, and when we do, I guarantee you that the judge will understand the difference between Miracle Gro and the bowel movement of an enlisted MP. The man we've dubbed Sergeant Tinkle will also be brought to justice.

Despite Newsweek's retractions, we continue to allege that interrogators at Guantanamo Bay knowingly mishandled the American Horticultural Society Encyclopedia of Gardening in front of Fernie, in an attempt to humiliate both him personally, and his cultural heritage. This unacceptable behavior must be brought into the light of day.

But apart from all that, Fernie is doing as well as can be expected. He's been working on his memoirs, or at least he was until the latest furor over the pictures in the Sun. At this point, we will not be taking legal action against the Sun, but are curious to find out who these "military sources" are that they claimed to get the pictures from. But despite the crude, childish nature of the photos, and especially the cover:

...Fernie feels that it's still better that the public get an idea of what his life is like now.

I'd like to thank the guys at Chloro-FASCISTS (now at for helping get the word out. Keep the blogosphere rolling, guys. Your unpaid volunteerism at the behest of a foul, hate-filled fern warms my cynical heart.

*And despite the LIES you may read in the CORRUPT MAINSTREAM MEDIA, that spider-plant was fully mature at the time they were cross-pollinating.