Archive - May 9, 2005

The YAD Event You've All Been Waiting For

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Yet another theme day at You Are Dumb Dot Net. Nearly 87% of the e-mails I get ask me when I'm going to bring back the beloved "States That Start With K" feature, abandoned nearly five years ago after a tragic accident killed three bystanders. Well, thanks to the terms of the settlement, at long last, we can bring you STATES THAT START WITH K ARE DUMB.

First, let's check in with the creationist smegwads in Kansas, where scientists are boycotting what they say are creationist-friendly hearings on what to teach Kansas children in their science classes. I can't imagine where the scientists got the idea that their latest restating of established fact backed by centuries of study and research wouldn't get listened to, especially compared to the nonexistent, gossamer-thin ravings of Intelligent Design's haphazardly-camouflaged Jesusphiles.

Why, one of the board members herself, Connie Morris, said she was "profoundly disappointed that they've chosen to present their case in the shadows. I would have enjoyed hearing what they have to say in a professional, ethical manner."

It's almost as if the scientists suspected that Morris was a raging idiot who, by thinking both sides even have a "case" in the first place, shows herself to be partial to creationism, and would then go out of her way to carefully tar pro-evolution scientists as shadowy, unprofessional, and unethical. But they couldn't have known that ahead of time, unless, being scientists, they'd studied past conditions and used that knowledge to predict future results. Nah, must have been a coincidence.

They certainly couldn't have predicted that the board members and witnesses comparing two proposals (one featuring evolution, one not) to have either not read, barely read, or merely skimmed the pro-evolution proposal. Why, Morris herself admitted that she had "read" the pro-evolution proposal, but not "researched" it. The creationist proposal, I kid you the fuck not, goes so far as to change the DEFINITION OF SCIENCE so that it's not limited to narrow things like cause and effect. And you wonder why real scientists are avoiding the place like it's a plague house?

I'm with the scientists on this one. Fuck 'em. No need to waste their time or breath in the hearings, faced by three conservative Republicans who already know what they want, and just want to seem like they've done their due diligence before giving the classrooms over to irrational knobmongers. Hell, use the time to start a fundraiser. How much would it cost, exactly, to put giant "I'm With Stupid" signs along the Colorado, Oklahoma, Missouri, and Nebraska? We can get ones with arrows pointing both ways for the Oklahoma border at little additional cost, I'm sure.


And speaking of retarded states that start with K, can anyone explain to me why Kentucky Fried Chicken is using "Sweet Home Alabama" in its ads? They can spend another whole decade trying to brand themselves as KFC, but we all still know what the fucking K stands for. And even if someone doesn't, they're still pretty damn sure it doesn't stand for ALABAMA.

What this means is that it's entirely possible that Kentucky Fried Chicken is as bad at geography as it is at cole slaw. Which is impressive, because I didn't think anybody, anywhere could be as bad at anything as KFC is at making cole slaw. I recommend to anyone who is trapped in a KFC for dinner that you loudly insult the ethnic background of everyone behind the counter. What ends up in your cole slaw may not meet health codes, but it can only improve the flavor.

Why Alabama? It's not like Kentucky doesn't have songs. Kentucky Bluebird, Kentucky Skank, Kentucky Woman... if someone from Kentucky's stuck their dick in it, there's a Kentucky song about it. Plenty of room to work there without having to turn to a completely different state. And if you're trying to disassociate yourself with Kentucky, turning to Alabama to upgrade your image is not what I would call a wise tactical move.

If they really want to get their pan-Southern vibe on, fuck it. Go whole hogfucker. They're partway there with the animated Colonel - it'd only take a short marketing leap to turn KFC into the KKK - the Ku Klucks Klan. Have some extra crispy, then wipe your mouth on the inside of your hood! Hell, put a lid and a handle on the buckets, provide a bungee cord, and you can drag your dinner home behind your pickup truck. I'm not saying Lynyrd Skynyrd is inherently racist, I'm just saying there's a statistically disproportionate number of Grand Wizards with "The Essential Skynyrd" in their glove compartment.