Archive - May 2005

May 27th

Carrying The Two

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Memo to the dumb of the world: I CAN QUANTIFY.

In honor of Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty tarring his opponents with the question "How dumb can they be?", I thought I'd take his unanswered, presumably rhetorical question, and look around to see if I can find some answers.

For example: HOW DUMB CAN YOU BE, and still be gung-ho about the war in Iraq? Pretty fucking dumb. Because even the architect of one of America's most embarassingly public moments of utter idiocy now thinks it was a bad idea. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"If we were given misinformation intentionally by people in this administration, to commit the authority to send boys, and in some instances girls, to go into Iraq, that is wrong." - Republican Congressman Walter Jones, North Carolina.

From this, we can calculate an upper limit on the intelligence of Iraq hawks, because Walter Jones is really, really, really, really, REALLY fucking stupid. You don't remember Walter Jones, I know you don't. But I guarantee you'll remember his culinary inventions. Freedom Fries. Freedom Toast, and Freedom Dressing.

Yes, Walter Jones is the dipshit pigfucker who, at the height of our shameful bout of anti-Gallicism a a couple of years back, demanded the cafeterias in the House of Representatives remove all references to France and replace them with "Freedom". This led to vast, yet still strangely inadequate, quantities of derision to be heaped upon Jones and the House in general. And even this micromind, who said his "light-hearted gesture" was partially the work of "God's hand", has come around on the war. So what's Richard Perle's excuse? Oh, right, that whole "soul replaced by a dark, icy void in a Satanic ritual" thing. Sorry, Dick. My bad. So, um, what's Norm Coleman's excuse?

Here's something I bet you didn't konw. According to the UK Guardian's article on Jones, the change to Freedom Fries is "still in force". That's right. Despite being laughed off the public stage, despite Bush making nice with Chirac, they're still calling them Freedom Fries in the House cafeterias. Gives you faith in the leadership, don't it?

And speaking of the "great" "state" of "North" Carolina, HOW DUMB CAN YOU BE and think putting an anti-Muslim sign in front of your Baptist church is a good idea? Again, this is something we can calibrate with extreme precision. All we need to do is measure how dumb Rev. Creighton Lovelace was Wednesday, measure how dumb he was Thursday, and split the difference.

Rev. Lovelace, who will tell you for the thousandth time that no, he does not have a clitoris in the back of his throat, and no, the one on the Simpsons was LoveJOY, was unapologetic two days ago, and apologetic yesterday. So some small measure of self-awareness must have crept into his lead-lined skull over those 24 hours. Either he realized he was being a dick, or, more likely, his superiors ordered him to take one for the team.

The sign, by the way, read "THE KORAN NEEDS TO BE FLUSHED". The 23-year-old Lovelace, who, thanks to his youth, has no excuse whatsoever for being named "Creighton", originally defended his action with an argument honed by (presumably) years of hating gay people. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"I don't hate Muslims. I don't hate Islamic people. I just hate the false doctrine." - Boy, that sounds familiar. I'd love to put up a sign condeming false doctrines, but since there aren't enough magnetic letters on the planet, I have to have a web page instead. Strangely, a day later, after more negative publicity, Lovelace had changed his tune.

"Now I realize how offensive this is to them, and after praying about it, I have chosen to remove the sign. I apologize for posting that message and deeply regret that it has offended so many in the Muslim community." - Other than being from the Big Book of Contemporary Insincere Form Apologies, though, there wasn't anything particularly stupid in what Leighton said. Which is why he didn't stop there.

"I did not realize how people of the Muslim faith view the Koran -- that devoted Muslims view it more highly than many in the U.S. view the Bible." - Of course you didn't. And you know why you didn't? Because you're a fucking small-town Baptist preacher in North Carolina who doesn't know shit about shit until you've stepped in it, then lifted your shoe up to your face to see what that smell is.

"When I posted the sign in front of the church, it was my intent only to affirm and exalt the Bible and its teachings. It was certainly not my intent to insult any people of faith. - I have a question. I know it's just to let fuckos save face, but what common good does it serve, again, to let these people apologize, but give some complete bullshit statement about how their "intent" was misconstrued? You said the Koran should be flushed. Unless an infinite number of monkeys tripped you on the way to the signboard, and the letters accidentally happened to fall just so, you INTENDED to insult people of faith. Just not people of YOUR faith. But we give him a pass because he's learned his lesson, and will keep the hate secret in his heart, where it belongs.