Archive - May 2005

May 26th

Living In The Past

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Memo to The Previously Dumb: YOU'RE STILL DUMB.

Every once in a while, I like to check in with people, institutions, or stories I've covered in recent weeks. As amazing as I am, I can never cover the entire story, but at the same time, usually the revisiting process doesn't fill up the space you all have become accustomed to.

Our friend Jim West is in a bit more trouble again. Apparently, the longtime opponent of gay rights, closeted homosexual, and lover of young boys was so incredibly bad at being closeted that it's a wonder he got away with it for as long as he did.

According to statesenator Pam Roach, back around 1990, when her 18-year-old son was working as a Capitol tour guide, "Go" West came up to her and uttered the following: ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"I want to do to your son what no mother would want to know."

To quote the famous seven foot tall blue sage, that is icky to infinity. Not to mention the fact that if no mother would want to know, why is he TELLING THE BOY'S MOTHER?! I'll say this for Republicans, though. They've got that party loyalty thing down cold. When a creepy middle-aged fellow GOPer tells you he sure would love to fuck your teenage son, and it takes you FIFTEEN YEARS to take your story public, I bet Karl Rove sends you a plaque and an LL Bean gift certificate.

Oh, yeah. Newsweek. Mentioned it yesterday. Yelled at 'em last week. Backed down from a story that said an investigation was due to be released that included allegations that we desecrated Qur'ans in Gitmo, even flushing one in a toilet. Spent a week as the media's Rodney King to the administration's LAPD, then vanished off the radar in favor for the filibuster mess over the weekend. You remember.

So, um, yeah. Turns out that yesterday afternoon, the ACLU released an investigation. By the FBI. And, um, the report included some allegations. A little something about desecration of some holy book or other. Something about a toilet. Something about flushing. Plus the usual stuff about beatings, sexual humiliation, etc. you know. Rush Limbaugh's "hazing".

So the magazine that spent all week humbling itself before the Mighty Bush for being wrong, inciting riots, and putting American lives in danger because of their anonymously-sourced paragraph was, it turns out, entirely correct. Funny how that shit works out, isn't it? You know what else'll be funny? If we all keep a nice close eye on the news coverage of this revelation, and the White House's response to it, as both fill every cynical, jaded, depressing prediction we've all been conditioned to be able to make. Let's all share a hearty chuckle, shall we?

Now, I know Tim Pawlenty doesn't read this column. It's statistically improbable and sociologically unlikely. I understand this. And I had fun making a little joke about him starting to use YAD-lite terminology like "profoundly stupid". But now it's just getting creepy.

Last Friday, Pawlenty got on the Legislature's case for not getting anything done. Technically, they did actually get some stuff done, but he didn't like it, because they forgot to cross out the word "taxes" and write the word "fees" above it in crayon. They didn't give Pawlenty what Pawlenty wanted, prompting Pawlenty to ask: "How dumb can they be?"

I knew I should have finished that trademark application last month.

But it doesn't stop there. Apparently Pawlenty wants to jump on the neologistic bandwagon, too. He coined a new term for the amount of work Democrats had done on transportation over the past fifteen years. "SQUATSKI". It's like seeing a baby eagle take its first, shaky steps to the edge of the nest, then, upon coaxing from its mother, leaping into the sky, only to get sucked into the jet engine of a low-flying plane. "Squatski". Jesse could get away with shit like that, because Jesse was a personality. Governor Timmeh, not so much. Pawlenty desperately needs to find a new way of grandstanding that doesn't make him look like your grandfather singing along to "Baby Got Back".