Archive - Jul 2005

July 29th

Scatological Botany and YOU

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Memo to blue-noses and your enablers: YOU ARE DUMB.

I swear to fuck, the war against sex, violence, and bad language is like our entire nation is pulling the band-aid off slowly. The foot-draggers, neo-Victorians and latter-day prudes in this country think that somehow, they can keep titties and foul language from pervading the culture if they just protest loudly enough, for long enough. But it's just delaying the inevitable.

They're slowing it down, forcing us to wrench every millimeter out slowly, painfully, each hair a nova of individualized agony. And we're all suffering. The prudes who have their decorum repeatedly affronted, and the rest of us who get a hole where an entertaining comic strip goes.

I'm talking, of course, about Doonesbury, which has seen its fair share of controversy over its many decades of political and social commentary. So it's gotta be a bit disheartening for Garry Trudeau, really. He's gotten yelled at, edited, and pulled out of newspapers for so many things. And he reaches this point in his long, storied career, but once again, he gets some papers pissed off... for saying "Turd Blossom". I feel for the guy..

Trudeau, you see, has been making fun of Karl Rove all week, because Karl Rove is a filthy little crook, and Trudeau was making fun of filthy little crooks when Rove was just a skidmark on the underpants of local politics. So he had Rove being called on the carpet, as it were, by President Bush. And Bush referred to Rove as "Turd Blossom".

The nerve of that hippie! Implying that our moral, upright president would use such a term for his trusted advisor and close friend! Calling Karl Rove a "turd" is the kind of lowering of the political discourse that shows the true colors of the Left!

Of course, Trudeau didn't invent "Turd Blossom". Nor is it the highly unpleasant backup weapon on The Last Starfighter. Nope, this one was all Dubya. The charming little coke-addled reprobate. You know, it's like how he calls Putin "pooty-poot". He's a fucking frat-boy moron, dressed up in a suit and propped in front of a podium, and he thinks "Turd Blossom" is hilarious. It's a flower, you see, that grows out of poop. I'll grant him this - poop is funny, but poop can't just be funny on its own. Scat needs context.

Twelve newspapers objected to the word "turd" and either pulled the column, or put the plastic bag of prudishness on the editorial hand and scooped the "turd" out manually. This bothers me, because until now, I didn't think there was a problem with "turd". I mean, TURD. You can't say TURD?

I thought "turd" was what you were supposed to say when you couldn't say "shit". I mean, it's not precisely equivalent usage, since the latter is the substance and the former is the object made of the substance, but still. What kind of world do we live in where you can't say "turd" in a crowded theater? But no. That honor apparently falls on "poo", which passes muster just fine, if you're scrawling some Mallard Fillmore ripoff wannabe and spending a week on variations of the same shitty "Howard Dean" joke.*

And what kind of world do we live in where the people editing comic strips can say something like this? ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"I didn't think (taking out the word) hurt it. I would prefer to run the strip and if we can edit it, that's fine." - Joel Rawson, Executive Editor, Providence Journal, whose atrophied sense of humor from years of "Buckles" and "Dennis The Menace" is worse than anybody thought.

He doesn't think taking the word "Turd" out of "Turd Blossom" hurt it. Now, I'm no mathematician, but it seems to me that if you subtract "Turd" from "Turd Blossom", what you are left with is "Blossom". Which means Rhode Island readers this week were utterly mystified at why Garry Trudeau would make a reference to a CRAPPY NINETIES SITCOM. Is this Karl Rove, or Joey Lawrence? Nobody knows. Why? No turd. Just a huge comedy corpse on the slab, victim of a botched turdectomy.

The bitter irony of all this, of course, is that the people who'd get dismayed by the potentially offensive phrase are the people who blindly stand behind the man who coined it. Probably while fervently believing that the man who coined it couldn't, and wouldn't have coined it, because he loves Geezus SO MUCH. If he did say the T-B word, it must have been one of those "youthful indiscretions", before he opened his heart** to the Lord.

It's enough to make you want to leave a big, flaming paper bag full of flowers on these people's doorsteps.

*Prickly City, a comic strip I'd never heard of before. After a bit of research, it's unspeakably awful.

**Specialists in human anatomy refer to this organ by its scientific name, the "campaign fund".