Archive - Jul 8, 2005

Cat-Girl Venn Diagrams On Fire

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Dammit, it's started already.

Less than twelve hours after the bombings in London, I saw my first completely gratuitous Internet post of support and prayers on a completely unrelated site. That site? PSPUpdates. A site whose sole purpose is to keep geeks like me informed about our ability to play "Spider Man And Venom: Maximum Carnage" on our Playstation Portables via a Super Nintendo emulator.

I see shit like that as fundamentally selfish, honestly. People feel like they need to do something, so they post a couple paragraphs, and sit back, satisfied with the knowledge that people who otherwise wanted to know if they've gotten that VNC software working well yet are now taking a moment of silence to keep the victims of 7/7 in their thoughts. Oh, and also: ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"To the murderous wretches who commit such acts, I say let vengeance come quickly and 10 fold." - You run a portable gaming website. You are not Samuel L. Fucking Jackson in Pulp Fiction. Also, I find it extremely doubtful that Al Qaeda has ten subway systems we can bomb in retaliation.

That shit's going to be all over webcomics today, too. I love the folks that do the webcomics I like, really I do, except maybe Scott Kurtz. But just draw your jokes like you were going to anyway, please. I'm sure the fine people of Britain who escaped unscathed would much rather read the regularly scheduled episode of Tech Support On Ice than see a picture of a tattered Union Jack and the strip's imaginary mystical cat-girl sprite with a tear running down her cheek.

I'd much rather be allowed to assume that people care, and only take note of the vocal exceptions, than to have everyone feel obligated to make some kind of statement, lest they be suspected of being a heartless bastard. But then, I'm a heartless bastard.

Since comedy is a big part of what we do here, and rage is pretty much the rest, I do feel I'm almost beholden, when I spot a crime being committed against Sweet Mother Comedy, to mention it in this space.

Such an offense occurred recently in Grants Pass, Oregon, and was committed by 38-year-old Todd Grannis. In what surely would have made this column in an entirely different way had it gone wrong, Grannis climbed up a ladder, set himself on fire, then leapt into a pool of water. Emerging unscathed, the asked his girlfriend to marry him.

This was not the crime against comedy. He had a professional stuntman friend help him, and it is impressive, in its own gratuitous way. Unfortunately, he had to go and ruin the moment. Grannis is quoted as saying, during the proposal:

"Honey, you make me hot. I hope I'm getting the point across that I'm on fire for you."

Guy's lucky she didn't light him up for a second go after that shit. That's the kind of joke that REQUIRES some sort of self-immolation. And what's worse is, anyone who'd make a joke like that in the first place is gonna repeat it every time he tells the proposal story. His friends, family, and acquaintances will feel a dread in the pit of their souls every time they hear the phrase "And THEN I said..."


Mike Holst, of Crosslake, Minn., does not understand the word irony. He writes:

"In my church on the July 4 weekend, the hymn selection always includes some patriotic songs such as "God Bless America."I find it ironic that our government does its best to remove any reference to God on government property -- even as our churches take steps to remind us to keep the government in mind as we practice our faith."

That is not irony. That is you being a dumbass. Your church can promote the country because everyone in your church is IN THE COUNTRY. The country can't promote your church because not everyone in the country is in your church. I'd draw you a Venn diagram, but you'd probably think I was showing you a titty and report me to the authorities.