Archive - Jul 2005

July 1st

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Memo to the regular audience - today's column was eaten in a tragic jumpdrive accident. Look for it on Monday.

And since I have this vast expanse of empty space today, I thought it might be a good idea to welcome anyone who, over the course of the next three days, happens to see something promoting this site hanging on a wall at CONvergence here in Minneapolis.

You may be curious as to the context of the admittedly provocative and hilarious quote and or quotes you have read, and so I will provide that context for you, because despite my gruff and cynical exterior, deep down I'm a shameless whore.

"If being gay is a sin, shorting me a Taco Supreme is a war crime."

I yell at bigoted right-wing homophobes a lot, because, well, it's easy and they deserve it. This column was entirely made up of that kind of yelling. I actually got this quote wrong on the poster, but I'd hate for people to think there isn't any profanity on this site, so it worked out nicely.

"There's plenty of perfectly valid, literary poetic expression out there. It's just that none of it is coming from you."

This came from Thursday's column, and is in reference to why poetry should be exercised with restraint, especially if you're Rosie O'Donnell.

"STOP STALKING YOUR HOBBY.

From the "Be A Better Nerd" series, expounding on the horrors of being such a fucking fanboy.

"When, exactly, is it appropriate to bring up your RPG character and his or her exploits in a social setting?"

Another in the BaBN series, this time taking a wacky look at the social activities of role-playing gamers.

"Oh, and by the way, your ?Beat It? joke was sad and old before the neurochemical soup in your brain had even begun its stretching exercises in preparation for making the connections that would cause you to open your gob, so give it up."

From a column otherwise about the Backstreet Boys, this was my contribution to Michael Jackson trial coverage.

"But they believe, and have faith, and for that alone, should they be mocked by some guy with a website? Yes."

An oldie, from what is probably the most generally beloved series of columns I did - an entire week devoted to Creationists: The Stupidest People On The Planet. Lifted slightly from context to improve its attention-getting ability.

"And if you've seen Norm's teeth, you know just how much kicking that involves. It's like 32 monoliths from 2001, only with crowns and whitening treatments."

I talk about politics a lot, because politics is humanity's expression of its innate stupidity in the public space. The Norm in question is Norm Coleman, who I hate, and so I took particular glee in his brutal verbal beating at the hands of George Galloway.

This is You Are Dumb. Feel free to hate stupidity vicariously, through me, most every weekday in this space. The whore inside me will thank you for it.