Archive - Jul 2005

July 21st

Birds Do It, Bees Do It, Even Guys Who Smell Like Pee Do It

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Memo to nerds: BE BETTER NERDS.

I hate to do this right after Scotty died - probably a national day of mourning or something - but it's Thursday, it's Nerdsday, and it's time we talked about nerd relationships.

Before I begin, as always, I've got to refer you to the Manifesto, which will answer at least your first three "But..."'s.

As I point out in that manifesto, many nerds have healthy relationships and sex lives that run counter to the stereotype. They go about their lives, living, loving, and screwing, and nobody gets annoyed. The rest of you, however, continue to piss us off and give us a bad name. So cut it out.

GUYS. You must not be desperate. Desperation is the mind-killer. Every single thing that is hateful and obnoxious about nerd relationships can be laid at the feet of desperate nerd-men. I know it's not easy. I've been there. I was desperate for about six weeks. One summer. A decade and a half ago.

Because of my particularly egotistical outlook on things, that makes six weeks in your early twenties the maximum acceptable amount of time guys can go around moping about how they'll never get a girl, and will be forced to spend the rest of their lives masturbating into a tube sock and then writing about it in their LiveJournal.

You know why my apotheosis is held up in committee? Because my ideas are too brilliant, too forward-thinking, to actually hand me the godhead. Because the first fucking thing I would do upon achieving divine powers would be to rework the human nervous system in such a way that once a certain phrase passed from the brain to the vocal chords of the human male, that male's penis would fall off, valmorphanize into something resembling a small, pink ground squirrel, and run off into the distance, screaming in a high-pitched squeal.

That phrase? "WOMEN DON'T LIKE NICE GUYS."

Bullshit. First of all, where do you get off speaking for all women? From whence do your draw your stunning insight into the female psyche? I'll tell you where. Some women don't like YOU. You believe that you are nice, ergo, all women despise all nice guys.

Here's the deal. If "nice" is at the top of your own personal Favorable Qualities List, then the problem isn't the women, it's the depth and breadth of that list. Maybe you smell. Maybe you're boring. I don't know. But it's not that you're nice, it's that you're JUST NICE.

GIRLS: I know the guys are desperate. Really, I do. I also know that they'll fall balls-over-brains for any nerd-girl willing to show a little cleavage and act uninhibited. THAT SAID.

As much as I hate to take away some aspect of female empowerment, do you have the slightest idea how that faux-salacious, here's-my-tits, by-the-way-I'm-bi-curious bullshit bores the crap out of those of us who aren't desperate? So you like sex. Big fucking whoop. That is not exactly a unique quality in either the species or the gender. And there are only so many desperate nerds you can get to follow you around before the law of diminishing returns starts to set in.

So do us all a favor and crank that shit back to "minor affectation". Pull it out on special occasions or when there's a shy guy in a ratty Akira T-shirt you actually would like to fuck. And spare the rest of us who honestly do not care that you're wearing a corset.

It's all just part of being a better nerd.