Archive - Jul 2005

July 20th

You Are Getting Sleepy... GAME OVER

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Baka - A Japanese term meaning "stupid", or "idiot".

Vaca - Spanish for "cow", a creature not known for its stunning leaps of insight.

Baca, Joe - Democratic congressman from California who embodies all the phonetic traits his name implies.

In case you're wondering, by the way, I'm feeling no particular compunction whatsoever to join the blogosphere in discussing Dubya's incredibly shocking choice of MIDDLE AGED WHITE GUY DAD'S FRIEND SANS PAPER TRAIL to serve on the Supreme Court. There will be another three months to complain about this John "So Dull I Don't Even Have A Funny Name" Roberts. Do yourself a favor and check out his picture, though. Our little Beav is all grown up. It's like Dubya found the personification of The Man on earth.

Anyway, back-a to Baca. Plenty of time to beat the shit out of the right in the months to come. For now, let's look at the center-right, AKA the Democratic Party, AKA the Bennett-humping motherfuckers like Lieberman, Hillary, and now Joe Baca who desperately want to be seen as on the righteous side of the "culture war", and they don't care how little sense they make to get there.

Baca is apparently leading the charge against Evil Videogames from the House of Representatives. Joe's name came up when I was researching the Hot Coffee Mod column from last Friday, but I was more focused on Hillary because, well, she wants to be President, and thus this kind of shit pisses me off more when it comes from her.

Memory Jogger: The Hot Coffee Mod is a way of unlocking a minigame cut from Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas, but left on the disc. As I mentioned Friday, it goes no farther than a Cinemax Saturday night premiere, makes a joke about bedroom performance, and if it gets you hard in any way at all, I'm telling you once and for all, stop writing me from prison.

But Baca thinks this is all a conspiracy to sneak porno onto the shelves at Target, right across the aisle from the unrated versions of American Pie 2 and Showgirls. And why, exactly, is polygonal coupling so much more insidious and sick than real people pretending to fuck in all their R-rated glory? Well, let's ask him. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"And these games are having a real, detrimental impact on young minds. In a videogame, you're actually pursuing and simulating a person. You're under hypnosis. You're a person that is dramatizing, that is living the example of what is going on." - Congressman Joe Baca.

What the fuck is that, and could I get it in ENGLISH? This guy gets to make laws, and he wants to use that power to stop children from "actually pursuing and simulating a person"? I've been playing video games for over 25 years, and I have never once been hypnotized. The times I clucked like a chicken were entirely of my own free will, I've never regressed to a past life, and while Daikatana certainly made me want to START drinking and smoking, I've never turned to a game to try to help me quit.

How can you pursue and simulate a person at the same time, anyway? Even in a videogame? Inky, Pinky, Blinky and Clyde were not chasing Pac-Man because of some Freudian identity crisis where they secretly wanted to be JUST LIKE HIM. They just hated yellow circles in the 75-to-100-percent-complete range.

Here's a new rule. If, in the process of enumerating one of society's wrongs, you can't even describe the problem coherently, that's it. You've missed your chance. A buzzer will sound, and you have to give up on sex in videogames and find something else to try to outlaw. Sorry, Rep. Baca. The "Joystick Joe" position in the government has already been filled. You live in California. Can't you yell at some of those "gangsta rappers" I hear are ruining everything? Perhaps you could start a national crusade against crunk juice.

As long as you're thinking of the children, I'm sure we'll all appreciate it. Just try not to let your brain, such as it is, trip over your tongue, such as it is. Otherwise, YOU GET THE BUZZER AGAIN.