Archive - Sep 7, 2005

The Trousers Just Went Nova

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Memo to President Bush: ANOTHER FIRST FOR YOU!

You're special. So special they had to cut Air Force One in half and paint it yellow. So special that you get your own New Orleans Flood* edition of IDIOTS (WHO ARE ALSO PRESIDENTS) SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"The world saw this tidal wave of disaster descend upon the Gulf Coast. Now they're going to see a tidal wave of compassion."

Here's a bit of advice for Monkeyboy. The next time you feel the need to wax lyrical in an attempt to be comforting, DON'T. This disaster wasn't a tidal wave, literally or figuratively. And it's a really fucking bad idea to tell the victims of the flood that what they'll be getting is comparable to more water. Seawater, at that. If he'd said "a million-gallon Dasani tank of compassion", I might have given him a bit of credit, but he didn't, because he's an idiot.

"It's easy for me to say that I can see a better tomorrow because I haven't been living through what you are living. But I do."

If it's easy for you to say, and difficult for suffering people to believe, that is the first hint that you shouldn't be saying it. Of course YOU can see a better tomorrow. You're probably looking forward to your next vacation.

"We have a responsibility to our brothers and sisters all along the Gulf Coast, and we will not rest until we get this right and the job is done."

That would be comforting, if it weren't for the fact that while they were getting it wrong and the job wasn't being done, the entire administration was on vacation, RESTING. Playing guitar, buying shoes, closing the deal on an East Coast mansion, while New Orleans sank and Michael Brown tried to find out how many horse judges lived in Louisiana.

"One of the things people want us to do here is play the blame game."

Oh, we've been hearing that a lot. It's almost as if it were a point they wanted everyone talking about. Blame game. I love it when spin rhymes. Blame, aka "finding out who's responsible", and game, aka "something trivial, not to be taken seriously". It's a lot like the other thing we've been hearing, about how this isn't the time for finger-pointing.

The people who don't want the blame game being played are the people who know damn well they deserve to be blamed. The people who don't want fingers to be pointed are the ones who know they're about to get an eyeful of cuticle. Yes, let's please stop focusing on the government's inability to get the job done so that the government can get the job done. There are almost three hundred million Americans, you know. We're not all busy loading up leaky boats and heading to the Gulf like Sean Penn. A few of us have our hands free for finger pointing, both index and middle.

"What I intend to do is lead an investigation to find out what went right and what went wrong."

OK, explain this to me. When O.J. vowed he was going to find the real killer, nobody believed him. So how is it Bush gets to investigate the Flood Fuckup? Even Kato** is shaking his head in disbelief at that one.

What's he gonna do? Put on his deerstalker hat, grab his pipe, and carefully walk one lap around the Oval Office? "Elementary, my dear Cheney. It was I myself who screwed this pooch." George W. Bush, conducting an honest and thorough investigation of the disaster relief disaster? Don't hold your breath.

Unless you're still in New Orleans, in which case you pretty much have to.

*In politics, the battlefield is often won or lost on semantics. Referring to the New Orleans Flood by the name of the hurricane that instigated it, "Katrina", seems to me to be a poor semantic tactic. The water in New Orleans did not come from Katrina's clouds, it came from Lake Ponchartrain. The failure of aid was not due to high winds or rain, it all took place after Katrina burned itself out. So here, at least, it's not Katrina, it's the New Orleans Flood.

**I truly believe that the Kato Joke can be rehabilitated and brought back into society, but it will be a long, difficult process.