Archive - Sep 8, 2005

The Sweet Stench Of Stupidity

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Memo to Mitchum Men: YOU ARE DUMB.

I am not a Mitchum man. I do not experience the Axe effect. I have never been mauled by a hot mother in an entryway due to my Tag. And thank fuck for that.

On the one hand, I think it's marvy that men are getting their egos manhandled by advertisers the same way womens' have. Dennis Miller is selling moisturizer, there are body sprays and skin care, all carefully made extra-manly so that you don't feel like a little girl using them, you insecure fuck.

Axe and Tag go for the "if you spray this stuff on you, you'll get laid" approach, which is classic Advertising 101, but they take it to extremes, portraying their repackaged Brut 44 as some kind of nymphomania-inducing neurotoxin that penetrates steel and lasts for months. You know. Like the world's greatest penis.

And it's true, there is a substance that, when sprayed all over your body, makes you more desirable to women. It's called WATER. Gallons of it are piped into your house for cheap. If you want to smell better, start using it.

Mitchum, on the other hand, is just deodorant. Now, men have been buying and using deodorant for centuries. Those of you just back from Dragon*Con will have to take my word for it. You don't need to man-up deodorant. You certainly don't need to man it up to the degree Mitchum wants to. Manned up so much it surgically replaces the X chromosome with half a dozen Y's.

These ads don't just think with their dick, they think with their dick so badly it's actually insulting to the intelligence of the average disembodied penis.

And they do this by creating the concept of the "Mitchum Man", which they define through a series of Cro-Magnon homilies. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"If menage a trois is the only French term you know..." "If your only fear is commitment..." "If you've ever eaten tortilla crumbs off your shirt..." "If they look real enough to you..."

The cleanliness of Ed Bundy, the diplomacy of Dubya, the groin-fed delusions of oversexed no-strings bliss... all to convince you that your pits shouldn't stink. Fucking appalling, and if you fall for it, you're fucking appalling too.

On their website, Mitchum has the "Man-A-Log", which is a catalog of man-goods with a name that sounds like the worst gay bar in town. In the man-a-log you can find all the essentials to be a true Mitchum Man: Meat, more meat, something to smoke the meat in, hardware, tube socks, a fake book, a big remote control, and a bucket. At this point, the bucket is the only thing I have in common with a Mitchum man, and we're not using it for the same thing.

There isn't enough irony on the planet to redeem this. Not enough tongue to fit in not enough cheek. Anyway, ironic advertising only works because they want you to believe the ridiculously overt message while plausibly denying that's what they're pushing. Fuck them with a used roll-on.