Archive - Oct 2006

Dress The Part

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Memo to The Loyal Readership: SHOW YOUR ALLEGIANCE.

Today is Halloween. The day when Beelzebub corrupts all the little godless children into renouncing Jesus in exchange for stale Tootsie Rolls, and the limits of what can legally be called "flame retardant" are tested. I know how much you all want to show yourselves as proud You Are Dumb readers on this most unholy of days, which is why I'm giving you this handy list of You Are Dumb Dot Net -related costume ideas far too late for you to actually do anything about it.

FERNIE

Needed: Three plant fronds, plastic or real. Staple gun. Angry disposition.

Yes, just staple three vaguely plant-like fronds to the back of a shirt and go as Fernie, the beloved You Are Dumb Dot Net mascot. Fernie, The Hating Fern is the hit of any party, with his trademark glowering and eventual nutpunching of all and sundry. Plus, you'll be instantly able to recognize OTHER You Are Dumb Dot Net readers. They're the ones walking up to you and asking if Lambert even does that damn fern thing anymore.

XBOX LIVE MARKETPLACE

Needed: Tray, bowl full of glass beads, bowl full of candy corn, winning, can-sell attitude.

This one's a bit conceptual, especially since it's a topic I haven't actually addressed in a column yet. But here's how it works. Fill one bowl with glass beads, and one bowl full of candy corn. Place on tray and carry around. When people ask you for some candy corn, ask them for, say, a nickel. Exchange the nickel for 5 of the glass beads. Tell them these beads are "points".

Then, offer to exchange the candy corn for points - three candy corn for every two points. After taking four beads and dispensing six candy corn, they will be left with one glass bead. When they ask what they can do with one glass bead, tell them to shove it up their fucking ass for all you care, you've got their nickel. NO REFUNDS. Then laugh maniacally and tell them that by Easter, you'll be offering a Candy Corn Upgrade Pack consisting of some plastic grass and a basket for another 400 points.

GHOST OF KENNETH PINYAN

Needed: Horse-head-on-a-stick toy, white makeup, pained expression.

This should be blatantly obvious. Get bonus points for every party you ruin by responding to every inquiry about your costume with "Oh, I'm Kenneth Pinyan! This horse fucked me in the ass until I died!". At the top of your lungs. Over and over and over again. Until they kick you and your horse out and you're forced to wander the streets.

LIBERAL BLOG COMMENTER

Needed: Strong vocal chords, Buck Fush T-shirt (optional)

The Liberal Blog Commenter costume is all in the attitude. Just remember to pepper your conversations with 9/11 conspiracies, act like you have Markos on speed dial, and whatever you do, don't forget to comment loudly about how every single thing you say or do will get you declared an enemy combatant and sent to Gitmo where you'll be waterboarded by Dick Cheney right after they cancel the midterm elections and declare martial law.

It's easy! The tough part is remembering to stop on November 1.