Archive - Feb 2006

February 27th

Jesus Is F'n Metal

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Memo to Thomas Haley: YOU ARE DUMB.

Time for a perennial Easy Target here at You Are Dumb Dot Net - Jesus. Well, not Jesus. More like the special-needs angel that Jesus chose, probably in one of his "acts of mercy", to act as his graphic designer and promotional director.

I mean, all this angel has to do is fly down to Earth, find a suitable medium, and place an image of Jesus or Mary on it to remind all of us atheists and apostates and Muslims that we're backing the wrong fucking horse in the Eternal Kentucky Derby. So what does the angel do? He smears stuff on frying pans, causes yellow stains to appear in underpasses, and burns potato chips. The kind of stuff only an idiot would believe. This one retardubim may be single-handedly responsible for the megachurch movement as we know it.

Well, either that or fucknuts like Thomas Haley see oil stains on a piece of sheet metal and try to make a quick buck off eBay. I give you SHEET METAL JESUS.

What is this bullshit? This is the kind of crap that makes me long for hoaxsters. Because then at least it'd look like something. It'd look like White Jesus, not a Rorschach test for people who can't spell or pronounce "Rorschach".

But Thomas Haley thought it was Jesus when he saw it in the Connecticut hardware store where he works. And he showed it to other people, and they thought it looked like Jesus too, which is what happens when you preface it with "doesn't this look like Jesus?" So it's up on eBay with a Buy It Now price of $10,000.

An asking price like that makes you wonder if Haley is an idiot or a shameless opportunist. But there's no reason not to think it's both. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"I mean, it hasn't done anything miraculous as of yet, but seeing it is kind of groovy. Just seeing it brightens people's day." - It's a piece of sheet metal, you dipshit. That's just REFLECTION.

Here's more, from the actual auction listing.

"Had to do a double take! Totally amazed several people. You can actually see an image of him with arms in the air or a frontal and a side image of him. Felt Chills When I Held It!!!!"

Holy shit! Behold the power of Jesus! Not only has he somehow imbued a piece of sheet metal with his image, the image is fucking LENTICULAR. Hold it one way, his arms are in the air! Hold it another way, and it's a profile! Praise the Lord and place a bid!

The icing on the cake? According to the Associated Press, some skeptics don't think it's Jesus. They think it's JIM MORRISON. The fact that I'm forced to share a planet with you people is a constant source of torment, you know.

At Handy's Hardware in Manchester, Connecticut, they sell saws, and awls, and screws, and nuts. But they don't sell razors. At least not my favorite brand, Ockham's. Here's co-worker Jonathan Jackson showing the kind of reasoning that's gotten him a minimum wage job ringing up hammers in the first place.

"Some people said, 'Are you sure it's Jesus?' and I think, 'Who else would come to give us a sign, Groucho Marx?' I think it's a good thing. Maybe it's trying to give some people hope."

First of all, the eyebrows aren't big enough for it to be Groucho. Anybody can see that. And the only deity who would try to give people staring at a piece of sheet metal in Connecicut HOPE is Loki, because he's a cruel son of a one-eyed bitch god who understands that if you're staring at a piece of stained sheet metal, hope will forever elude you.