Archive - Jun 22, 2006

The Extra E Is For Extra Protection

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Memo to Dustin Diamond: MY... UM... SYMPATHIES.

Last year, I discussed the curious phenomenon of people like Judith Miller, who, despite being in a general situation that should elicit sympathy, end up fucking themselves over in the particulars.

You know what I mean. I don't like what they have to say, but I'd defend to the death their right to say it... well, maybe not to the death. I mean, sure, in principle, but my bathroom really needs cleaning. I'm sure you can find someone else to defend to the death your right to say it on short notice, but I gotta go. Good luck with that!

Dustin Diamond is the exact opposite of this. He's in an entirely unsympathetic and mockable position, he's doing something mind-bogglingly ridiculous to try and get out of it, and the only thing saving him from my remote, web-based derision is one single solitary vowel that, by its mere presence, puts me on the side of Dustin Fucking Diamond.

Who can turn a cap into a cape? Who can turn crap into a crepe? Yes, it's that arrogant son of a bitch, thinks he's shit hot 'cause he's top of the frequency table, letter E.

Before you send interns with Thorazine to my doorstep, allow me to explain. While you all may know Dustin Diamond for his stellar turns in "Celebrity Boxing" and "Dustin Diamond Teaches Chess", before those glory days, he played a nerd named Screech in a minor off-off-Broadway production called "Saved By The Bell".

And in a shocking turn of events, a young star from a shitty yet inexplicably popular show finds himself in financial distress. Facing the loss of his home and needing to raise $250,000 in a hurry, Diamond was forced to send his fleeting fame out to the streetcorner to suck dick for pocket change. Metaphorically.

In what can only be called a shameless ploy, Diamond is manufacturing and selling $15 autographed t-shirts of himself on the Internet. These shirts contain an almost tautological inscription. ACTUAL SHIRT TIME!

"I paid $15.00 to save Screeech’s house."

You see it there? That extra fucking "E" in "Screech"? That E tips the scales in Dustin Diamonds favor. Because it's there to keep the media conglomerate that owns "Saved By The Bell" from suing his ass.

That's right. This washed up, goatee-d motherfucker trying to use the aggregate powers of the Internet and nostalgia to keep his house can't even BEG FOR MONEY using the one name people actually know him by for fear of infringing on copyright. So he adds a bonus "e", thinking with two of them in there already maybe nobody will notice.

You know, I'm not a big "information wants to be free" guy. And I firmly believe that the whole "is illegal downloading as bad as stealing" argument is the single worst argument in the entire life of the Internet. But I know one thing. Copyright law does not exist so that ten thousand morons who felt sorry for Dustin Diamond could walk around with ugly-ass t-shirts with superfluous vowels on them.

Any company trying to protect the value they've invested in the "Screech" name, character, and trademark needs to realize that in an ideal world, the "Screech" name, character, and trademark has no fucking value whatsoever to protect. Let the guy panhandle in peace, and give me one less reason to slap the living hell out of anyone I see wearing an "I Saved Screeech's House" t-shirt.