Archive - Jun 26, 2006

You See What They Did There?

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Memo to the Malkinistas: THAT'S YOUR A-GAME?

It's a widely-accepted fact that conservatives aren't funny. At least intentionally. It's just the nature of the beast. The Conservative Comedian Hall of Fame is housed in the men's room of a Denny's in Provo, Utah, and there's still at least one stall without any exhibits.

This is mainly because comedy is inherently mean. Like people, most jokes have butts. And like people, a joke without a butt is a pretty freakish thing to stare at. So, armed with the knowledge that all comedy comes at the expense of its target, I ask you: which is funnier? Kicking a skinhead in the balls or kicking a baby in the face?

The conservative comedy arsenal has to rely on belittling the powerless and defending the status quo. Not only is that a shallow resource pool to draw from, but it also means that conservative comedy only attracts people who think those things are hoots. AKA pricks, idiots, and douchebags.

Three nouns that, coincidentally, provide a nice segue to Michelle Malkin and her followers, who have been attempting to amuse themselves with Photoshop. You see, Malkin and her readers have been upset about how every time the government collects a mountain of completely harmless data* on Americans to fight the Global War On Terror, someone tells the press and the press prints it, thereby dooming us all to death at the hands of Osama Bin Laden.

So they've hit upon the idea of Photoshopping old WW2 propaganda posters. But, like a monkey trained to tango, all they understand are the steps. Other people have changed pictures and been funny, therefore all you have to do is change pictures and, magically, FUNNY! Unfortunately, there's more to comedy than taking 1940's hysterical propaganda and turning it into... 2000's hysterical propaganda.

You know the posters I'm talking about. The ones that assumed an omnipresent, coordinated, foreign enemy lurking around every corner, waiting and listening and hoping to exploit a moment of weakness? I can't imagine why Michelle Malkin's readers would seize on this propaganda, maintaining its ridiculous intent without a molecule of irony.

For example, the classic "Loose Lips Sink Ships" is transformed, through the magic of cut and paste, to "Loose Libs Sink Ships". You see what they did there? They changed "lips" to "libs", thereby accidentally changing the meaning of "loose" from "talkative" to "slutty" and making the part about ships completely meaningless, because, well, Al Qaeda isn't trying to send our Navy to the bottom of the Atlantic. But it's funny! It says "Libs!" Which means "liberals"!

The "Loose Lips" poster inspired my other favorite (pure coincidence - they're all startlingly ham-handed and unfunny, even the ones based off of other posters) attempt at comedy. This time, the word "lips" remains intact, but "ships" has been changed to "Sears", and the picture of the sinking ship replaced with a picture of the sinking, um... Sears Tower.

So what we're supposed to take from this poster is that if the New York Times keeps revealing NSA spying programs, nutjob cultist wannabes who strutted around Miami warehouses like kids playing dress-up soldier will no longer be caught by undercover FBI officers doing perfectly legal undercover work, and will be left free to roam the streets and talk about the buildings they'd blow up if only they had any skills, money, or equipment. DAMN YOU NEW YORK TIMES!!!!

Thank God that the relentless Photoshoppers of the Malkin army are here, keeping traitors on their toes with a cutout of Osama Bin Laden's head and the Free Rotate command. We truly have been made safer.

*By the way, this time, it's your banking records. Have a nice day!