Archive - Jun 6, 2006

Hail Satan!

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Memo to the Dumb: DON'T PISS ME OFF TODAY.

Yes, it's 6/6/6. The Date Of The Beast. And that's fine. Have your numerological fun. Up to a point. What point? I think we both know what point. There's a line that separates Fun WIth Numbers and Retarded Superstition, cross it today at your own peril.

Let's keep in mind at all times that there is no Number of the Beast, because THERE IS NO BEAST. Anything strange, weird, or bad that happens today is happening for the same reasons strange, weird, and bad things always happen. And if I sense for one second that one of you fucking morons isn't fully aware of this, and are remarking on it without a full set of Ironically Self-Aware Deflector Shields, I will snap my tether and take a hostage.

Because there's no Satan. No devil. No pitchfork, no pointy tail, no dark presence harvesting souls. Every single fucked up thing in the world today is the product of human ingenuity. Greed, stupidity, short-sightedness, bugfuck insanity, bigotry, war, murder? All ours.

Baby thrown out a window? People. Baby tossed in a dryer? People. Bribes in a freezer? People. Dick in a pig? People. Well, people and pigs, but when pigs do it it's OK. Torture? People. Waterboarding? People. Coverups? People. Bombings, beheadings, and cartoon-inspired arson? People. Throwing gay people under the evangelical bus to desperately shore up your base in a move so blatant and shameless even the media sees through it? People.

If you forgot something today, it's because you forgot something. If you stub your toe today, it's because you moved your foot into a solid object. If you cheat on your spouse, it's because you wanted to fuck someone else. No devil on one shoulder, and certainly no angel on the other.

That's what those in the know call "free will", the gift of sapience, the ability to observe, interpret, reason, and then act based on your observations, interpretation, and reasoning. It's a hell of a gift, and has given us everything from the International Space Station to New Super Mario Bros.

And it's a gift most of you piss away every single fucking chance you get. You squander it in favor of "absolute truth", you abandon it out of laziness, or you toss it away because you can't bear to listen to what it's telling you.

So, you know, woo. Devil Day. Have fun with it. I know I will. But don't forget that the entire goddamn universe will still be here tomorrow, and it'll care just as much about the arbitrary alignment of an even more arbitrary numbering convention as it does today - a quantity I like to think of as the intersection of Jack Road and Shit Ave.

Tomorrow, people will still be dumb of their own free will. Try not to be one of them.