Archive - Sep 2006

September 29th

Spastic Coward Monkey Friday

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Right. As much as I'm tempted to devote the entire day to the fucking travesty that's about to be signed into law and the fucks that made it possible, none of us want that. Let Olbermann do the for-shame Edward R. Murrow schtick. I'm tired.

But for the record, the following Democratic senators are the most craven, the most rank, the most embarrassing cowards I've ever seen. They voted FOR the Torture Act. If they thought it was going to save their political skins and allow them to fight another day, well, what the fuck is left to fight for? I know it sounds like hyperbole, but this is easily the single worst law I've ever noticed being passed in my lifetime. And you wanted to go on record as saying it's OK? Fuck you:

Thomas Carper (Delaware). Tim Johnson (South Dakota). Mary Landrieu (Louisiana). Frank Lautenberg (New Jersey). Joe Lieberman (Assholia). Robert Menendez (New Jersey). Bill Nelson (Florida). Ben Nelson (Nebraska). Mark Pryor (Arkansas). John Rockefeller (West Virginia). Ken Salazar (Colorado). Debbie Stabenow (Michigan).

They all deserve to be dumped on the side of the road by the electorate.


I officially retract any and all reluctant sympathies I extended to Dustin "Screech" Diamond on June 22nd of this year. I know I've said in the past that poop is funny, but poop requires CONTEXT to be funny, and part of that context is not on a sex tape with Screeech and two women.

I bet the women were the only two people who bought his T-Shirt.


For people confused by the last line of yesterday's column, the short version is, three dipshit teens in rural Wisconsin got caught digging up a recently-buried corpse so that they could have sex with it. They'd bought condoms and everything, because embalming fluid, I presume, has nasty side effects on your pubescent crank. If you have an erection that lasts INTO THE AFTERLIFE, consult your doctor.

The incident raises all sorts of fascinating questions about the teens in question - did one of them come up with the idea? If so, what rhetorical powers must he posess to have talked his other two friends into it? What kind of forethought sends you to Wal-Mart for rubbers beforehand, without also providing the realization that digging up a body is a long, exhausting process?

But that's all trumped by the revelation that a judge dismissed the attempted sexual assault charges against them, because Wisconsin has no laws about necrophilia. Like the many sordid times in the past we've learned too late about states lacking laws on bestiality, it seems. I'm not sure if it's simple oversight, or a tricky legal boundary - a corpse is really neither a person nor property, after all.

Perhaps this case will cause the Wisconsin legislature to reconsider. But until then, Wisconsin is the place to be if you're into le rigor petit mortis. For the rest of us, however, given both this and the last time Wisconsin's sexual deviancies found their way into this column, I would suggest that whatever you do, DON'T ORDER THE VEAL.