Archive - Jan 10, 2007


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Memo to Kirk Cameron: MR. MONKEY, IN PANGAEA, WITH DNA.

Where would we, as a society, be without Kirk Cameron? OK, I'll admit, largely unchanged. On the list of people I'd feel compelled to take out if presented with a time machine and a shotgun, Cameron comes in a distant third. And that's just among cast members of "Growing Pains". Cameron's net influence on the timestream is so minimal that even Captain Picard would say "Fuck it, they can get Willie Aames for the Left Behind movies" and vaporise Cameron's grandfather.

Cameron's only use is as a cheap joke, a quick punchline, a resume whose entire comedy value can be almost completely mined out in a single paragraph, as demonstrated above. Except every once in a while, when, in pursuit of his ultimate goal of loving Jesus more than the rest of us, he puts something out even more mockable than a made-for-TV remake of "The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes".

And in this case, it's a boardgame. And not some guest shot on one of those DVD trivia games one in three of you were forced to play over the holiday season, either. A real* bonafide* published* boardgame. A boardgame that's not only designed to entertain, but to teach. It's called "Intelligent Design Vs. Evolution".

No, really. There's no pun, no wacky misspelling, nothing catchy. Just the two concepts ostensibly pitted against each other, because as we all know, ID advocates simply think their scientific theory should be taught alongside the other, equal scientific theories so that students can make up their own minds. And what better way to show that than to let the two compete on a sort of Monopoly-meets-Settlers-Of-Catan-lookin' bit of printed pressboard? Why, look how fair Cameron is in the press release promoting the game! ACTUAL SEAVER TIME!

"We are very excited about this game because it presents both sides of the creation evolution argument, and in doing so, shows that the contemporary theory of evolution is perhaps the greatest hoax of modern times." Damn. And they say the homosexuals have an agenda? Someone better tell Jim Inhofe that Cameron just bumped global warming to number two on the modern hoax list.

In addition to the game board, you get one six-sided die, but you don't get to use it because, after all, we know random chance can't produce any results. And you get a bunch of cards. And an exciting DVD featuring Cameron and his "Way Of The Master" co-host, Roy Comfort. Which, as a result, has caused Parker Brothers to change the name of "Sorry" to "Not Actually That Sad By Comparison These Days".

Oh, and lest I forget, you get wacky art featuring fake "transitional forms", like the half-bull, half-frog "bullfrog", the half-sheep, half-dog "sheepdog", and the half dog, half-duck "pupling". I told you creationists were fucking stupid, and that right there is another epic data point.

I mean, these fucks can't even master the comedy rule of three? Bull... frog! HA! Sheep... dog! HA AGAIN! But there's no such thing as a pupling. It doesn't fit with the other two pictures they put out with their press release. It makes no sense. You know, like a six thousand year old earth. And you know they must have had other real animal names plugged into their whole "A sheepdog isn't part sheep and part dog, therefore DARWIN IS A FILTHY SATANIC LIAR" template. But in their infinite wisdom, they went with the pupling to round out their troika.

It's enough to make you question their big "we think we're clever" moment in the press release. Be warned, Kirk Cameron and Comfort actually thought saying this was a good idea:

"This game didn't happen by accident. It was intelligently designed with a specific purpose in mind, and we hope it creates a big bang in the Christian and secular world." - Roy Comfort.

You see what he did there? He proved that no monkey never gave birth to no boardgame, no way, no how. So you can play Chutes and Ladders after church, safe in the knowledge that none of the ladders are nasty simian double-helixes. And it's all thanks to Kirk Cameron.

*For a sufficiently loose definition of...