Archive - Nov 2007

November 30th


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Memo to the Fourth Estate: COME ON, DO IT!

It's long overdue. These fuckers have been getting away with all kinds of crazy shit, and you haven't said squat. Apparently, it's much easier to write about wingnuts' chain letters calling Barack Obama a secret Muslim plant than to inform the public.

And I get that. Really, I do. Fucking around and getting by with the bare minimum of effort is a cherished part of the American work ethic. But now we've got a scandal that's so chock full of what you love, you should be willing to set aside Minesweeper for an hour or two and make some calls.

Did I mention there's fucking involved? And not just any kind of fucking. Mistress fucking. Which, as anyone who lived through the late 90s can tell you, is the news media's favoritest kind of fucking.

You see, it seems that when Rudy Giuliani was mayor of New York, and not Earth's Mayor And Balding Action Hero, he used to take frequent trips to The Hamptons. Which is a bit weird to begin with. I don't even think of The Hamptons as a place. It's a punchline. It's where rich people you don't like go to do things you don't approve of.

Which, essentially, is what was happening. Rudy was going there to fuck his mistress. I admit that's a bit of an assumption on my part. It would be more technically accurate to say that he was, er, courting his third wife. With his penis. While he was still married to his second wife. The actual sex has to be assumed, but I think it's a fair one. If you have a mistress in The Hamptons, and you drive up to spend the weekend with her, you're not going to spending the whole time antiquing, is my point.

Of course, everyone knows what a horndog Rudy was. And are fine with it, because, well, he's not Bill Clinton, so it's OK. The thing is, every time he went up there, he "needed" his full security detail, city car, escort, the whole deal. About three grand out of the taxpayer pocket. And even that, some people actually knew. But the money somehow ended up being shifted around, and came out of the funds for a bunch of smaller city agencies. Which is, as they say in public circles, inappropriate. This fact came to light this week when The Politico broke the story.

Which, if you know anything about The Politico, is an odd sentence in and of itself. Generally speaking, all The Politico (a supposedly professionally-run web-news outlet) has broken since its inception are a bunch of half-assed smears of Democrats, which the news media have dutifully picked up on thanks to the incestuous three-way between the Politico, cable news, and Matt Drudge. Because of this, though, it doesn't matter whether or not Rudy actually did anything wrong. Besides the adultery, that is.

This story has everything it needs to bust wide open. It's got sex. It's got misappropriation of funds in amounts average people understand. It's got sex. And it's got the Politico stamp of approval. Logic dictates - nay, DEMANDS - that the press hound Giuliani for weeks until he cracks like a hard-boiled egg. And, ideally, insinuates that he killed Vince Foster, but I'll settle for the hounding.

What else do I need to do? Do I need to wiggle this story to make it look alive? Dangle it in front of you? Dip it in chum and throw it in the water? Imply that a cigar was involved somehow? Come on. Take that crazy, 9/11-obsessed motherfucker down a few pegs. You know you want to. Don't do it for the journalistic integrity. Don't do it as a service to the nation. Just do it because he was fucking his mistress on the public dime, and that's plenty salacious. DO IT.