Archive - Apr 2007

April 30th

While I Was Out

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Man, there's a bunch of stuff I need to get caught up on after the whole SIMPtastic week last week. Lots of stuff happened. I didn't get to talk about the latest scandalplosion, I didn't get to talk about Earth Day, but most importantly, I didn't get to talk about KICKIN' IT OLD SKOOL.

Part of me would like to think that the fact that none of you bothered to go to see it this weekend (#11, and about three million) shows an ability amongst the entertainment consumer to learn and grow. But I know that's not true, because it turns out you were all just going to see fucking Disturbia again. Plus, with Larry the Cable Guy's "Delta Farce" just two short weeks away, this is no time to get complacent about crappy movies.

Running the math on this proves interesting. Assuming a three-day opening weekend, five shows a day, and an average six-buck ticket price, that means the average theater showing this movie had seventeen fucking people in it. That's seventeen people who SHOULD HAVE KNOWN THE HELL BETTER. It's not as if there's a lack of historical perspective here.

First, and foremost, Jamie Kennedy sucks. This is not just one man's curmudgeonly opinion, either. Analysis and research has shown conclusively that Jamie Kennedy has not produced one single worthwhile piece of art or entertainment commerce in his life, and that the odds of him ever actually doing so are approximately 3,720 to 1. And that's IF he does Shakespeare in his late 60s. I think it was Lloyds of London who ran those numbers.

Second, it's a movie about breakdancing. There aren't many, and they aren't good. Oh, we all have a good laugh appending Electric Boogaloo to every known instance of the numeral two. But that doesn't mean we know what a boogaloo is, or why it has to be electric. Unless it's to keep the Amish from breakdancing, a goal I wholeheartedly support.

Third, movies about white nerds aping black culture are never, ever, ever, ever good. Have we already forgotten Marci X? Soul Man? Or the hundreds of other uncomfortable moments in hundreds of other comedies? Dear god, the life's work of Robin Williams alone should be enough to have drummed this into our collective ancestral memory by now.

Fourth, the last time someone crossed the streams I point out as numbers one and three above, we got Malibu's Most Wanted, and we're lucky our civilization survived.

And lastly, Harland Williams. Harland Williams is what you get if you take Jamie Kennedy, feed him paint chips for about three months, then remove all desire to get up before ten in the morning. So instead of leading roles and TV shows with his name in the title, Harland Williams ends up with bit voice parts and small roles in Dane Cook movies. I realize I'm the only one who remembers his big breakout pic from a decade ago, RocketMan, which firmly cemented him into the Hate list in my mind*, but the presence of Harland Williams should be a canary in anybody's cinematic coal mine.

Any one of these reasons would be a deal-breaker, and I haven't even mentioned that Jamie Kennedy plays someone who's been in a coma since the 80s. They put that in the commercials! In what must be a violation of every marketing law known to man. Telling people your movie has Jamie Kennedy awaking from a 20-year coma is like telling people how many baby seals you accidentally impale each year on your offshore drilling rigs. It's NOT A FUCKING SELLING POINT.

And I can't even take comfort in its awful box office, because at some point, the DVD's going to be 9.77 at Target, and a bunch of you who should know better are going to grab it on your way out on a whim, thinking it might be funny. And then some studio asshole will carry the two, decide Kickin' It Old Skool made money, and greenlight the sequel. And then we all die.

*Yes, it's a very long list.