Archive - 2007

December 25th

Christmas Package

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Memo to the audience: IT'S A CHRISTMAS DICK JOKE MIRACLE!

I wanted to reward the faithful readership who actually checked in today to see if I'd post a column on Christmas Day. I'm not sure why you're here today, but you should be commended and rewarded. Rewarded with my favorite stock in trade, non-stop dick jokes.

So today, in honor of the birth of Jesus Christ, I will be discussing the high comedy found in some of the more... excessive subject lines out of the hundreds I receive every day trying to convince me I need a bigger wang. Or bigger breasts. For the record, I don't need a bigger EITHER, but even if I did, I'm not sure these people are taking the right tack to convince me they're the way to go.

"If your warrior of love is too small, you may lose this war"

Obviously, the primary joy when amusing yourself with penis spam is the huge array of barely legible euphemisms they use for "penis". So we start with the only slightly-impressive-sounding "warrior of love", which, while poetic, also makes me want to put a teal legwarmer and a set of deelybops on my dick. It sounds like a Scandal song, and the last thing I want out of a Scandal song is additional length.

"Allow your stem elongate and get more mighty in 2008!"

Stem? What am I, a mushroom? A champagne glass? Some kind of cell that comes from innocent baby-souls and gets fundies all up in arms? It's not even the best PLANT metaphor. What about trunk, or branch? At least then I could make some kind of joke about getting wood, but stems aren't made of wood. No matter how much they elongate and get more mighty.

"Erection for sexual activity"

I like this one. It's very straightforward. Very upright. But I wonder where the rest of them are. I mean, obviously an erection is for sexual activity. I want to know what other uses I can put an erection to. "Erection for doorstop"? "Erection for divining underground springs"? "Erection for the most awkward Rock Band party ever"?

"Replica Pens"

This doesn't even make sense! Who would want a copy of their... oh. Never mind. My mistake.

"my banger is HUGE now thanks to these guys.."
"Make your dik the envy of all your dudes in year 2008!"

I don't know why, but dickspam always has a totally heterosexual bent. It's always about getting girls, and making "her" happy, and ensuring "your sword" will fill "her scabbard". They're startlingly noninclusive. Well, for the most part. A couple of these subject lines come from a different world, a world where guys can make your banger huge and dudes ring in the new year by comparing their schlongs. That world? Apparently the first ten minutes of a gay porn film.

"MegaDik will increase the capacity limit of the Corpora Cavernosa"

I hate to admit this, but I think this is the first time I've ever been outsmarted by a penis spam. Of all the people I expect, in the course of my day-to-day life, to drop some science on me, I have to say I'm the most surprised when it's the fine people at the MegaDik corporation. But I was, I'll admit, disappointed at the lack of crucial details. How much will it increase the capacity limit? Could it expand the cavernosa to the point where I could build a crimefighting hideout in it? And would it be redundant if I slid down to it on a pole?

"KelliGargantuanPenis"

I don't know who her parents are, but those bastards are fucking sadists. I hope she was home-schooled, because I can't imagine going through junior high school with a name like that.

"Have you ever felt the kiss of a womb?"

This is the creme de la creme, if you'll excuse the term. It's completely disgusting, completely euphemistic, and manages to promote a version of sex I don't think anyone's interested in. There are lots of reasons insecure guys think they want bigger penises, but "I'm just not penetrating the uterus" isn't one of them. And fallopia-diving is NOT how to make her love you more than any other man.