Archive - 2007
Politics For Demmies
20 December, 2007 - 22:28 — Bryan Lambert
Memo to Democrats: WATCH CHRIS DODD.
You know what's more embarrassing than being fucking schooled by Chris Dodd in the art of hardball politics? Being the target he's forced to use to teach the goddamned lesson, too. In his so-far successful attempt to prevent retroactive immunity for the telecom companies that have been feeding your phone calls and e-mails to the NSA (and probably Dick Cheney's secret AOL account) for at least five years, Dodd followed three simple steps that will turn any 98-pound Democrat into a studly political he-man in a matter of days:
STEP ONE: Have a position.
STEP TWO: State and support that position.
STEP THREE: When that position is opposed, keep supporting it, and ruin the fucking day of any son of a whore who stands in your way until you get what you want, until the other guy looks like a bruised, bloody mess, or ideally, both.
Democrats suck at all three of these, and the farther you get down the list, the harder they suck. They got power in 2006, and have spent the last year proving they have no idea how to use it. They're like a pig with a belt sander. Or Mike Huckabee with an illustrated Kama Sutra. And it's not like it's that difficult. You don't even have to really believe in the position. You just have to take it and fight for it and don't let the other side get away with giving you shit about it.
Chris Dodd figured it out. When Harry Reid fucked over Dodd, in an act of internecine aggression so blatant only the Senate's ridiculously convoluted procedures kept it from being seen as the unprecedented bitchslap that it was*, Dodd could have done the Democrat thing. He could have backed down and pretended it wasn't that important anyway.
Instead, he took it right back to Reid, threatened to filibuster his own party, and made it clear that while Hillary and Barack were content to continue with $500/plate circle-jerks in Des Moines, he'd keep the Senate from its important business (apparently, pretending Trent Lott likes black people). All the way to the Christmas break if necessary. And Harry Reid blinked, because, well, Harry Reid is a Democrat, and more importantly, a fucking coward who ought to be kicked to the curb at the first available opportunity.
*Basically, any Senator can place a "hold" on a bill, and through the elaborate gentlemen's agreement system of reacharounds under which the Senate operates, that bill is essentially dead. Reid, in his role as Majority leader, has honored every hold, public or secret, that Senators have placed. He honored a hold by Tom Coburn that's keeping money out of DC's public transit system. He honored another by Lindsay Graham that's keeping waterboarding legal. The only hold he didn't honor was Chris Dodd's.