Archive - Jan 2008

January 30th

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Memo to Pat Boone: YOU ARE DUMB.

I don't know why stupid people aren't exhausted all the time just from the sheer effort they must put forth to say stupid shit all the time. I mean, it exhausts me, and I just have to LISTEN to them. They actually have to think it up, parse it out, figure out how to phrase it with a tiny and limited vocabulary, pretend they're not just repeating something they heard on Rush Limbaugh two days prior, and do all this while constantly dodging any of the various bits of evidence that demonstrate how ridiculous their viewpoint is.

You'd think it'd be like running a marathon. With atrophied legs. And no sense of direction. And without knowing what a "marathon" actually entails. But they pull it off, day after day, topic after topic, just being idiots like it's the easiest thing in the world, Maybe that's why they say it's bliss. If so, Pat Boone's a happy, happy, stupid, stupid man.

How much ignorance-fueled bliss does it take to overcome the fact that you're Pat Fucking Boone, your ironic comeback now eleven years in the past, doomed to an eternity of shows in Branson, Missouri, for audiences who probably can't even hear you? A whole stinking lot, that's how much. As evidence, I provide you Pat Boone's commentary on global warming hysteria for World Net Daily.

By all rights, I could stop RIGHT THERE. The mere existence of Pat Boone, writing about Global Warming, for World Net Daily? That's a textbook definition of insanity. The left is constantly being accused of taking marching orders from Barbara Streisand, but you don't see her posting about FISA on Daily Kos. But World Net Daily is quite happy to be the starfucker, no matter how dessicated and dim that star is, and certainly no matter how tenuous his expertise is. You want to know how Pat Boone came to his stunning conclusion that global warming is liberal hype? ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Some months ago, while driving back home from an engagement, I became fascinated with George Noory's late night radio interview with a solar physicist, one of a number of very dedicated scientists who actually watch and analyze the sun itself and its ongoing powerful effects on planet Earth. This was after former Vice President Al Gore had sounded his alarm in nation after nation about his belief that we're all in serious, imminent danger from global warming. And while the main topic of discussion on Noory's program that night was the remarkable list of prophecies recorded by ancient Aztecs from centuries ago – gleaned somehow from their study and even worship of the sun – the guest scientist brought up the concern solar physicists share about 'new, unexplained activity and disturbances' on the surface of that giant fireball in space!"

Let me get this straight. Pat Boone listened to a radio show and heard a guy spend most of his time talking about AZTEC MOTHERFUCKING PROPHECIES, and found his arguments about solar physics so damning to Al Gore's global warming campaign that he had to come forward and tell the world about it, and only World Net Daily was brave enough to post Boone's findings. Goddamned liberal media.

I love all the implications in that paragraph - that Al Gore invented global warming, while scientists who "actually watch and analyze the sun" know better. And also that we need to be told that the sun is a "giant fireball in space". And also that the stuff on the sun is fire. Which it isn't.

You know how you can tell the difference between an evil person, who would talk bullshit about global warming just to enhance his own personal power and wealth at the moment; and an actual moron who thinks he's got the whole thing sussed out? Well, for one thing, the evil person would know better than to quote his source saying this:

"No, the sun itself is the culprit – and we're studying again the ancient Aztec prediction that the year we call 2012 will see cataclysmic changes on our Earth, and throughout the solar system."

I can't even wrap my fucking brain around it. Pat Boone, who opens his column with the tritest fucking paragraph in the world about how nobody should believe Chicken Little when he says the sky is falling, is basing his calmness and lack of panic on the words of a man who is taking the Aztecs at their word that WE'RE ALL FUCKED IN LESS THAN FOUR YEARS.

He spends the rest of his column giving long, loving head to CFACT, the Committee For A Concerned Tomorrow, which he describes as "non-profit" and "non-partisan", but which, if SourceWatch can be believed, gets most of its money from the Scaifes and most of the rest from oil companies. It's largely dull and traditional bullshit, spending ten times as much verbage on how wonderful and sciency and careful and concerned CFACT is as he spends on what CFACT actually claims or whose ass the numbers were pulled out of.

So don't worry. Things will be great. Europe was warm in the 1100s and they just built lots of churches!* Don't listen to that crazy Al Gore. Listen to Pat Boone, and live it up for the next four years until the Great Aztec Cataclysm And/Or Rapture (also scheduled for 2012) happens! Although if you're a Pat Boone fan, you're probably not going to make it that long.

*ACTUAL PARAPHRASE TIME.