Archive - Nov 19, 2008

When Hawks Cry

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Memo to Paul Broun, Prince, and Joe Lieberman: YOU ARE DUMB.

Dig if you will, a picture, of stupid fucks engaged in speech. The weight of their idiocy covers me. Can you, my readers? Can you picture this? Because this is what it sounds like, when IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"We can't be lulled into complacency. You have to remember that Adolf Hitler was elected in a democratic Germany. I'm not comparing him to Adolf Hitler. What I'm saying is there is the potential of going down that road." - Congressman Paul Broun of Georgia.

I would be remiss in my duties if I didn't at least pay passing heed to Paul Broun, who beat out a tough field of contenders, including Dennis Miller and Michael Barone*, to become the single biggest douchebag of the first post-election week. I don't know what kind of rickety-ass bullshit they taught Broun in whatever fuckhole parochial Georgia school he went to as a child, but up here in Saneland, when you say that Obama wants to do the same thing Hitler did, and if we're not vigilant, he'll do more things that Hitler did, then damn right you're comparing him to Hitler. And not in a good way.

Look. I know that people like Broun have a lot of reasons to hate Obama. They're Republicans, and he just whipped their ass. They're racists, and he's black. I get that you want to compare him to a horrible totalitarian dictator and one of history's greatest assholes. But could we at least try not comparing our new mixed-race President to a guy who built a genocidal empire on the idea of racial purity, for fuck's sake? Use Idi Amin, or Pol Pot, or Lex Luthor for all I care. If Hitler were to meet Barack Obama, HITLER WOULD NOT LIKE HIM. For a lot of the same reasons Rep. Broun does, not that I'm comparing him to Hitler.

"God came to earth and saw people sticking it wherever and doing it with whatever, and he just cleared it all out. He was, like, 'Enough.'" - Prince Rogers Nelson, responding to a query about his views as a Jehovah's Witness on social issues such as gay marriage and abortion.

This, in case you were wondering, is why fundie converts are worse than vat-grown home-schooled fundies-for-life. Because as annoying as the vat-grown fundies are, at least it's fairly likely that they didn't build a lucrative career entirely around the concepts of sticking it wherever and doing it with whatever, before moving to L.A., finding Jehovah, saying "Enough", telling other people how to live their lives, and, I'm guessing, cashing every single "Darling Nikki" royalty check that shows up in his mailbox.

It is an undeniable fact that if Prince had grown up the son of Jehovah's Witnesses, believing everything he believes now and writing his songs accordingly, the world would be a lot worse than it is right now. Well, except for all those Graffiti Bridge DVD's that would vanish into nonexistence. But still, a net loss for art, culture, and the cultural art of batdancing. But none of that matters, because Prince is going to be knocking on your door holding a Bible, and trying to keep you from writing kickass 80s funk music. Well, fuck new Prince. But, you know. Not the freaky extramarital or same-sex fucking. Just the regular Biblical fucking.

"And in that regard, I said very clearly, some of the statements, some of the things that people have said I said about Senator Obama, are simply not true. There are other statements that I made that I wish I had made more clearly and there are some that I made that I wish I had not made at all. And obviously in the heat of campaigns, that happens to all of us, but I regret that and now it's time to move on." - Joe Lieberman, CFL-CT, shortly after the Senate Democrats proved me right.

And speaking of proving, this proves the ancient dog-training axiom that if you do not rub their nose in it, they will never understand what it was they did wrong. Joystick Joe came out and attributed 90% of his ridiculous campaign behavior on behalf of John McCain to made-up stories and bad word choices. And portrayed the other 10 percent as the inevitable consequence of campaigning. Something everyone did. Something out of his control. We can't say for sure what made him do it, but like McCain, I'd bet it was the drastic and horrifying dearth of magical Town Hall Meetings that keep ill humours at bay.

A lot of people say this is what Obama wanted, and maybe so. And who knows. He may be right. I may be wrong. I mean, he's the President, and I'm just some dick-joke slinger on the Intertubes. Maybe, in some back room somewhere, Joe Lieberman got beat with a towel full of oranges and promised to play nice. But all I can see is a recipe for footprints all over the Democratic caucuses' backs in about six months' time, when it comes time to see if we're going to be out of Iraq like the new agreement says we have to. Then we'll see how much residual regret lingers in Lieberman's heart.

*Your bonus Google News search word for both those names is "Palin".