Archive - Nov 4, 2008

Vote, Motherfuckers. Vote.

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Memo to all you motherfuckers out there: GET YOUR ASSES OUT AND VOTE.

You've read this column before. You know where I stand. I stand against John McCain. I stand against Norm Coleman. I stand against stupidity, and bigotry, and irrational hatred. Against fearmongering, bastardry, and pigfucking. Against rampant capitalist bullshit, against robberbaronage, against the systematic ass-kicking of anybody with a net worth less than a million bucks or so.

Today, I'll be voting against all those things, and you should, too. If you want, you can even vote for some things, and some people, but I've said it before, and I get to say it one last time. This election is about showing we can learn. It's about rejecting the truly awful ideas and philosophies that have sent America swirling down the shitter for eight years. Rejecting the dumbest war in modern history. Rejecting the mangling of the English language. Rejecting people who were wrong, and wrong again, and wrong some more, and who swear they'll get it right this time if you give them another chance.

Fuck them.

If you're in a swing state, vote. If you're in a battleground state, vote. If you're trapped in the middle of Pigfucker, Tennessee, hiding your signed copy of An Inconvenient Truth from your neighbors so that they don't burn you as a witch, vote. If you're nursing a baby seal back to health in the middle of an NPR studio adjacent to a vegan fair-trade coffee shop, VOTE.

Because margins matter. How much we reject all the horrible things foisted on us by the pretzel-choking fucktard and his band of puppy-rapers will depend not just on victory, but on the margin of victory. Every battleground state McCain loses becomes part of the story. Every percentage point in the national totals becomes a part of the story. Every deep-red state that McCain holds onto by the skin of his fucking teeth becomes a part of the story. And while we can win with 51% and 270 and 56 senators, it's the STORY that will let President Obama actually start walking us back out of crazy-land.

Fuck that Swing Vote movie. Your vote counts even if you walk in at the end of the day and increase the final margin in your state from 999,997 to 999,998. Not out of some idealistic, Schoolhouse Rock, Lifetime movie version of the glory of democracy, but because the people who control the conversation on November 4, and will continue to control the conversation on November 5, and Inauguration Day, and after the State of the Union address, need every excuse we can give them to provide the next President and the next Congress a tiny fraction of the leeway they showed Chucklefuck and Darth Vader since 2001.

So get off your ass, get in line, and be part of that excuse. If you don't, YOU... well, you know.