Archive - Mar 2008

Your Annual Reminder

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Memo to the net-connected universe: DON'T BE DUMB.

It's that time again. Tomorrow is April Fool's Day, which means today I am obligated to remind you and inform you that the Internet will be lying to you even more than usual tomorrow.

Studies have shown that on the average day, the Internet is lying 72% of the time. From the Nigerian scam, to the actual genitalia of the person you're chatting with, to that poetry LiveJournal actually being deep and insightful, the Internet is full of lies the way Chock Full of Nuts is full of coffee.

But on April Fool's Day, that all changes. According to this study, on April 1, 1998, a full 134% of Internet pages visited by individuals contained at least one falsehood. You may wonder how this can be possible. And I'm here to tell you.

The first thing you need to remember is that nerds think they're funny. Nerds think they're funny because nerds also think that women like men with a sense of humor. They think this, ironically, because they read it on the Internet on April Fool's Day.

The second thing you need to remember is that nerds have a more difficult time than most determining when certain behaviors are appropriate vs. when they are inappropriate. April Fool's Day, however, has a long cultural tradition of jokes and pranks being acceptable.

And the third thing you need to remember is that nerds write everything on the Internet.

Thanks to these three factors, April Fool's Day becomes the great opportunity for every fucking nerd with a keyboard and a broadband connection to attempt to achieve that most noble and lofty of goals: to someday be listed amongst past Internet pranks other people inexplicably believed. For society's well-being, we must prevent them from achieving this goal, and to achieve this, we must become the very antithesis of Parappa The Rapper.

We've gotta do what? We've gotta not believe!