Archive - Mar 14, 2008

Don't Get Comfy

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Memo to Republicans: DON'T GET SMUG.

Fuckers have had it easy this week, with Spitzer on one hand and Ferraro on the other. But don't start thinking you've lost your competitive edge in stupidity. You've just been a lower priority this week. And to help you play catch-up, and remember your place, here's the week in right-wing moronitude, served up SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY style.

I mean, Geraldine Ferraro is racist, but she didn't have to resign because she was forwarding around e-mails with cartoons featuring black people overdosing on watermelon and fried chicken. And Eliot Spitzer may have fucked some prostitutes, but at least he didn't have to resign because he was banging his secretary. No, for that you need a special kind of Texas Two-Step, courtesy former Houston D.A. Chuck Rosenthal, who blamed his tacky behavior on prescription drugs, as any paragon of personal responsibility who'd argued (unsuccessfully) in favor of upholding Texas' sodomy laws would.

At least when our guys aren't fucking up, they're doing good, like taking on Wall Street crooks. Even when Rosenthal was doing his job the way he was supposed to, he was STILL trying to keep blowjobs and buttsex criminal. And as bad as the lesser of two evils is, by definition, it's better than the greater of two evils.


And speaking of evil, Dr. Laura is still around? For some reason, I thought we'd collectively gotten tired of her archconservative pop psychology when someone fed her after midnight and spilled water on her*. But apparently not. Apparently people still ask her to opine on stuff, and she still says reactionary retarded bullshit straight out of 1952. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"And when the wife does not focus in on the needs and the feelings, sexually, personally, to make him feel like a man, to make him feel like a success, to make him feel like her hero, he's very susceptible to the charm of some other woman making him feel what he needs. And these days, women don't spend a lot of time thinking about how they can give their men what they need."

You know why women don't do those things, and the employees of Emperor's Club do? Because the prostitutes are getting paid thousands of dollars an hour to lie. Seriously, if the fucking GOVERNOR OF NEW YORK didn't feel like a success, that's not his wife's fault, and you'd have to be some kind of retrograde June Cleaver wannabe with an axe to grind to say otherwise with a straight face. Oh, right. Dr. Laura. I guess that's redundant.


And seriously. I know the Bush administration is completely fucking obsessed with hiding away any and all government reports that challenge its bullshit, but this week, they tried to limit access to a Pentagon report that had already leaked. The results of that report? There was no connection between Saddam Hussein and Al Qaeda.

Why would you try to keep that quiet? Keep the Pentagon from putting the report online, or putting out a press release about it? The Saddam - Al Qaeda thing is as settled as EVOLUTION. Everyone sane knows it, and all the evidence in the world won't stop crazy people from denying it. All you do by quashing the report is reinforce the image that the Bush administration is blindly flailing around, desperate to maintain an illusion that's been so thoroughly shattered that you can see the strain on the faces of the poor shills trotted out on talk show after talk show to play pretend.

Well, except for John McCain. That motherfucker can pretend eight different self-contradictory things in his sleep.

*This was originally phrased in a more canonical way as "get her wet", which I think we're all glad I changed.