Archive - Mar 28, 2008

Dumb Fuck Chuck

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Memo to Chuck Norris: KNOW YOUR STRENGTHS.

If I were, at my current age, in my current physical condition, with my current experience, enter, shall we say, some form of martial arts competition, Chuck Norris would be well within his rights to laugh his ass off at me. I clearly don't belong there. I lack the discipline, the skills, the training, and the mindset to kick the ass of anyone over, say, five years old. Or whatever age they can reach my balls from a standing position.

So why the fuck is Chuck Norris writing political commentary? I'll tell you why. He saw all the attention he got when he endorsed Mike Huckabee, and somehow got the mistaken impression that the majority of that attention was due to his credibility as a representative of conservative politics, and not the novelty of an aging, has-been action star inserting himself into a losing campaign.

So Chuck keeps providing his insight, and, your one-stop shop for right-wing retardation, keeps publishing him. You know, in-between furious masturbation to Lone Wolf McQuade. It's a three-part column, divided into equal parts stupid, stupid victim, and incredibly offensive stupid, or as Norris puts it, "Guns, God, and Gays".

The guns part discusses the Supreme Court's latest gun-control case. Now, I'm not the big gun control guy I used to be as an Official Liberal, but this bit from Norris is just laughable. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Is someone joking? Could 27 words be any clearer?! 'A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.'" Well, stop the fucking presses, everyone! The guy from The Octagon just recited the Second Amendment! It's all so clear now! The last half-century of arguing was just a waste of time. If only Chuck Norris had recited the Second Amendment sooner, so many divisive battles could have been avoided.

After his stirring defense of the absolute freedoms offered by the constitution, Beardy McFuckKnuckles moves on to the "God" section, relating a tale of religious oppression that will chill you to the bone. Apparently, a college newspaper published a cartoon of God having sex with Mary and lying about his vasectomy. Now, given what we've learned from the right-wing reaction to the Danish Muhammed cartoon scandal, and what we've learned above about Norris' absolutist stance on the Bill of Rights, can we all guess his clear, consistent reaction to this cartoon? I think we can.

"How abhorring it is when the freedom of the press is abused to demean the biblical God and the most sacred couple in Christendom, especially right before Easter. If the cartoon depicted Allah or Muhammad, there undoubtedly would have been a national decry of bigotry. Yet it seems in vogue to disgrace Christianity, and so it was brushed under the rug of contempt and barely highlighted by any news agency."

Have I mentioned that Chuck Norris is a meatheaded shitwit who's taken way too many blows to said meat head? The column couldn't have depicted Allah or Muhammed, because neither Allah or Muhammed GOT MARY PREGNANT. The joke only works with the Christian God. And it wasn't brushed under the rug. The reason it was barely highlighted by any news agency is that the only news agencies who give a shit what cartoons end up in the University of Virginia school newspaper are the right-wing rag sites Chuck appears to get all his information from.

This is clearly evident in his "Gays" section, which is a long diatribe about the "National Day of Silence", in which students across America remain silent for a day to protest discrimination against, and beating of, gay and lesbian students. Keep that in mind, because here's what Chuck learned about NDOS:

"I was appalled when I read the American Family Association report that Friday, April 25, 'several thousand schools across the nation will be observing "Day of Silence (DOS)." DOS is a nationwide push to promote the homosexual lifestyle in public schools. DOS is sponsored by an activist homosexual group, the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network.'" - Now, the problem with getting your news from Donald Wildmon is that the utter void of knowledge it creates may cause you to say something so incredibly insensitive and offensive that the world will know what an asshole you are. Ready? PULL THE ASSHOLE, TEXAS RANGER LEVER!

"For example, Thomas Jefferson drafted a bill concerning the criminal laws of Virginia, in which he proposed that the penalty for sexual deviance should be unique corporal punishment. Jefferson's views were indeed representative of early America: 'Whosoever shall be guilty of Rape, Polygamy, or Sodomy with man or woman shall be punished, if a man, by castration, if a woman, by cutting thro' the cartilage of her nose a hole of one half inch diameter at the least.' Can you imagine a statesman proposing such a law today?"

No, because with the exception of Chuck Norris and his friends at the AFA, we aren't quite as barbaric a bunch of bastards as we were in the 1700s. Chuck can claim all he wants that he's not really "espousing such treatment", the fact of the matter is his reaction to an event designed to focus attention on the physical abuse of gays and lesbians is to point out that Thomas Slavefucker Jefferson at one point advocated for the physical abuse of gays and lesbians. Nice one, Chuck. Very classy. Given the finesse with which you wield your debating skills, I've got to wonder just how many times the skills you're more famous for have been employed in, shall we say, a strident, fisty defense of "family values".