Archive - Jun 2008

June 30th

Windows To The Uterus

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Memo to America: HERE, HAVE SOME MORE.

You Are Dumb Dot Net has had, and will continue to have, one consistent position on the 2008 election: DO NOT VOTE FOR JOHN MCCAIN. I really don't give a shit how you feel about Obama's stance on FISA (even though it sucks), or his stance on public financing (even though it's practical), or whatever. Doesn't matter. Because it's never been about Obama's worthiness. It's about his one incontrovertibly positive quality - he's not John McCain.

Very few people actually want to vote for John McCain, and that's good. It's more interesting on the news, however, if people DO want to vote for John McCain, and that's bad. Because the media, in its desire for an exciting narrative of a divided country, will downplay reasons not to vote for McCain, and amplify reasons not to vote for Obama. As a tiny counterbalance to this, I will keep reminding you of why voting for McCain is an awful idea. Which reminds me. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Oh, I don't remember. Now there's Secret Service protection. But I've done it for many, many years. I don't recall and frankly, I don't see how it matters. I've had hundreds and hundreds of town hall meetings, many as short a time ago as yesterday. I communicate with the people and they communicate with me very effectively.

This is John McCain's answer to the question "When was the last time you pumped your own gas, and how much did it cost?" Now, from a strictly semantic perspective, a perspective that Republicans have surely already adopted, John McCain did not say he didn't know how much gas costs these days. He just said he can't remember the last time he pumped his own gas. But even given that, it's an awful, awful answer.

If you're John McCain, you're chiefly worried about three things keeping you from becoming the next President of the United States. One, that people will blame Republicans for ruining the country just because Republicans ruined the country. Two, that people will stop picking the McCain stance that appeals most to them, and actually notice when he also takes the opposite stance. And three, coming across as a doddering, irritable old coot. And that last one is the only one he can actually do something about.

There are few things more dodderingly cootish than saying the Secret Service pumps my gas, so it doesn't matter, and anyway, I HAVE TOWN HALL MEETINGS! If the Straight Talk Express had taken a sharper turn onto Completely Unrelated Talking Point Lane any faster, the thing would have rolled over and burst into flames. You would think, at this point, McCain would at least recognize the delusional importance the country has placed on feigning the lack of elitism. All he had to do was work the words "four dollars a gallon" in there somewhere. The phrase is inescapable. Dead Amish hermits know gas is four bucks a gallon.

Sure, the Secret Service pumps John McCain's gas now. And sure, for years before that, his driver pumped it. And when he flies, his wife fills up the private jet. But it's still in his best interests to seem more on the ball than a dead Amish hermit. And he couldn't pull it off.

REASON #2: EYE BABIES.

John McCain is a Republican. When a Republican takes over for another Republican, the new Republican rarely makes it a priority to root out all the Republicans the old Republican hired. This is a problem. Because it seems that the Bush administration hired attorneys for the Justice Department based largely on how good they were at not making eye babies.

I sense your confusion, and do not begrudge you it. I admit that sentence is the kind of sentence that can drive men mad if they gaze upon it for long enough. Let me work it back for you. A report out last week found out that the Justice Department has been illegally filtering applicants for their Honors Program based on political affiliation. The Honors Program is basically how you get hired as an attorney by the Justice Department. The main person involved in this, and apparently the subsequent destruction of the application records, is Esther Slater McDonald. Esther Slater McDonald is a graduate of Pensacola Christian College. Here's a small slice of what life was like at McDonald's unaccredited alma mater:

"Even couples who are not talking or touching can be reprimanded. Sabrina Poirier, a student at Pensacola who withdrew in 1997, was disciplined for what is known on the campus as 'optical intercourse' — staring too intently into the eyes of a member of the opposite sex. This is also referred to as 'making eye babies.' While the rule does not appear in written form, most students interviewed for this article were familiar with the concept. - Chronicle of Higher Education.

After four and a half years of this, I continue to be amazed at the ingenuity the fundamentalists in America bring to their attempts at surprising me. There are certain things that come out of people's mouths that should disqualify them from holding anything with sharp edges, much less be in charge of hiring in the Justice Department. "Making eye babies" is one of those things.

I don't know how much Barack Obama cares that the Justice Department is full of people who were ideologically vetted by a crazy woman who spent her formative college years trying to avoid having ocular intercourse with men. But I know that John McCain cares LESS. And that's another great reason not to vote for him.