Archive - Jul 25, 2008

Sleeping Dragons and Lies

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Memo to Katherine Kersten: YOU ARE STILL DUMB.

Watch out, folks. Minnesota's dullest conservative has a new cause, and she will not rest until every last one of us are sick to death of her endless carping. And what is this new issue that has her in such an excitable state? A sleeping dragon!

That is, the "sleeping dragon" of protesters at the Republican National Convention. The RNC will be covering the Twin Cities with an oily, black stain right after Labor Day. Since Kersten is such an awful writer, I have no way of knowing if "sleeping dragon" is something the protesters are calling themselves, a term some law enforcement dude thought up, or Kersten's own term, helpfully wrapped in quotation marks so her Neanderthal followers don't take it literally and try to get George Bush a sainthood before September. In any case, she's scared shitless.

And when a conservative is scared shitless, there is only one metaphorical round plastic oral insert that will quell their bawling: a draconian show of force by an even more empowered authoritarian police force. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Denver City Council's public safety committee will vote today on an ordinance that would bar protesters from carrying items such as weighted PVC pipes, carabiners and quick-drying concrete... St. Paul police officials do not see a need for a Denver-style ordinance... Will we be ready?"

That's awesome. Pass laws outlawing the possession of common, everyday items to deal with a problem that, if it happens at all, will only last a few days. Let's just give police free(r) license to stop, detain, and Taser people based on suspicion of potential wrongdoing. That always goes well.

And what will the snoozing lizard use these dastardly devices for? Ostensibly, it's to make it more difficult for the police to break up human barricades. Which, I must point out, is a non-violent form of protest. If protesters, even the dreaded "anarchists" Kersten invokes at every opportunity, chain themselves across a street leading to the XCel Center, the average citizen will suffer what's known in Saneworld as a "minor inconvenience".

There are, in spite of 6 years of a Pawlenty administration, other working roads in St. Paul. And if you're actually trying to get to the XCel, well, elections have consequences, as your glorious leader said once. That Kersten wants to live a life free of the consequences of a pissed-off country, angered by Kersten's best friends running it like a bunch of power-mad, feces-throwing monkeys? Not my problem.

Frankly, we're long overdue for some civil fucking unrest in this country, and if a few hippies with blogs cuffing themselves to lampposts is the worst we have to worry about, Kersten and her ilk should drop to their knees and thank their beloved Jesus that the big sacrifice they have to make for fucking us all over is leaving their hotel an hour or two early. In other, less civilized times, people who ruled like the GOP were the ones attached to lampposts. And not in a comfortable way.

Kersten is also required by the bylaws of the authoritarian playbook to raise the horrific spectre of Seattle 1999, when protests of the World Trade Organization conference turned rowdy. Kersten calls the protests "traumatic and destructive", but we all know how wingnuts love to exaggerate any trauma related to "World Trade", don't we? Some intersections blocked, some windows smashed, some dumpsters set on fire, but then the pepper spray and the rubber bullets came out. Order was restored, and the people who ended up the most traumatized have not, I'm guessing, earned Kersten's sympathy.

Seattle got over it. And if, in defiance of all physical law, Kersten turns out to be right, it still won't be that bad. We'll get over it, too. But I have a tough time imagining her being right, considering the myriad other ways she's disconnected from reality. Case in point - it turns out the "anarchists" whose blogs she's fastidiously monitoring so that she can alert us to the impending apocalypse are also planning to protest at the DNC convention in Denver. Which prompts this from Kersten:

"Barack Obama, the Democratic presidential nominee-to-be, has called for an end to the Iraq war and otherwise adopted a leftist's dream agenda." - Like fuck he has. Believe me. I'm a leftist. I have a dream agenda. It involves single-payer health care, electric cars powered by orbital solar power stations, and a whole bunch of people, from Dubya on down, wearing orange jumpsuits and making custom license plates with pro-gay messages on them. Obama's nowhere near that. Being willing to settle for a guy who won't lose is not my dream, trust me.

But I will take Katherine Kersten's discomfort when Obama wins as a nice consolation prize.