Archive - Jul 4, 2008

Induhpendunce D'Oh

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Memo to the American Family Association: ENJOY FREEDOM, MORONS.

It's a holiday, which means most of you aren't actually reading this. That means I get to put in MINIMAL EFFORT. I enjoy minimal effort, for reasons that should be obvious. Luckily, the American Family Association believes in MAXIMAL EFFORT when it comes to being dumb. Donald Wildmon's group is the grand old dame of the bluenose ball, still kicking it butt-stupid after 31 years.

And man, do they hate gay people. They hate gay people so much they don't even like gay people calling themselves "gay". They think gay people should always be called HOMOSEXUALS, presumably because the more syllables you have, the more disgust you can work up in the audience. And if the AFA is committed to anything, it's committed to quintupling disgust. So what they do is replace the word "gay" in any wire stories they run on their site with the word "homosexual". Presumably by some sort of automated process. Which led to the following appearing on their website last week. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Tyson Homosexual easily won his semifinal for the 100 meters at the U.S. Olympic track and field trials and seemed to save something for the final later Sunday... Homosexual didn’t get off to a particularly strong start in the first semifinal..."

The wire stories, of course, were talking about track star Tyson Gay. Man, I wonder how he learned to run so fast?

Clearly, this bothered the AFA, which is used to being a national laughingstock for stuff they do on purpose, not stuff they do by accident because they're crazy. So they jumped right back on that bucking bugfuck bronco and went after McDonalds for its support of the tyson homosexual agenda.

No, seriously. Well, except for the "tyson" part. That bit was the kind of clever wordplay you'd enjoy if you read the column on holidays. But they really do want us to boycott Mickey D's. Why?

"McDonald’s has chosen not to remain neutral but to give the full weight of their corporation to promoting the homosexual agenda, including homosexual marriage."

McDonalds' crimes? First, they gave $20,000 to the National Gay and Lesbian Chamber of Commerce. Second, one of their corporate employees is a member of the National Gay and Lesbian Chamber of Commerce. And third, the AFA really hates gay people. If there are any other reasons, they're lost amidst the crappy, hysterical writing and even worse design of the site.

Clearly emboldened by that one time they got Ford to stop advertising in a gay magazine*, the AFA now thinks it can take down what is arguably the modern world's first example of horrifying American global corporate dominance. They'll be lucky if all they get is a bun and a pickle. Of course, knowing them, they'll see the bun and the pickle as promoting the homosexual agenda.

*I know this because it's the only touchstone the hundreds of retarded commenters on the site bother using.