Archive - Jul 2008

July 29th

Individually Packaged For Fierceness

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What's smaller than a monkey and three times as spastic? That's right, Micro-Memos, where I adopt the pithy bullet point format like your worst Powerpoint nightmare and fire a shotgun's worth of fuckshot in the general direction of my many and varied irritants. It's like Larry King's old USA Today columns, only with more swearing and fewer suspender-wedgies.

You know what? An old asshole with a brain tumor isn't as sad as, say, a young, artistic genius with a brain tumor. Or even a middle-aged person who's never done anything particularly important, but was never actively mean to people, with a brain tumor. But we all have to pretend it's just as bad, lest we seem insensitive.

If John McCain really does pick Tim Pawlenty as his running mate, it's one more data point toward my secret theory. That the McCain campaign's goal isn't to take the White House, it's just to see how much it can irritate me before November. I know, it sounds far-fetched, but I'm just following the evidence here.

Monica Goodling is a horrible human being, and the fact that we haven't spent the last year talking about how horrible a human being she is makes for an indictment of our entire system. Denying promotions to a lesbian? Taking an experienced anti-terrorism prosecutor off a case because his wife's a Democrat? Watch the news for an hour tonight and count how many less consequential things you hear. Have a calculator handy.

The Minneapolis Star-Tribune website recently added reader comment threads to its online letters to the editor section. If I didn't love free porn and Glenn Greenwald so damn much, I'd suggest that it's now time to pack the Internet in a cardboard box and put it up in the attic. Seriously. Why even bother hiring reporters if all you're going to do is run a website where people argue about politics 24/7? Why not just eliminate the middleman and buy Usenet?

In Britain, some idiot fundies got upset because a Barbie with a leather jacket and fishnet stockings was being sold. Turns out it was Barbie as the DC Superhero "Black Canary". Which makes the fundies ignorant of comic books, the changes in social mores of the past 30 years, and roughly 30 percent of the Barbie dolls out there. When they say America leads the world by example, I don't think this is what they meant.

Similarly, in a Chicago suburb, in an attempt to stamp out the youth culture, has passed an ordinance that would fine anyone $25 for showing three inches of underwear in public. If any Chicago youths feel the need to engage in civil disobedience, allow me to suggest this - boys, get yourself some sort of tight underwear - some form of banana hammock, sausage sling, or plum smuggler. Then wear your boxers over that, and then the baggy pants over the boxers, making sure to show at least 3.5 inches. At that point, your boxers cease being underwear and become "middlewear", and you should provide an entertaining test case for our nation's court system.

And while I'm on the subject of hip-hop, when black teens beat someone up, it's the fault of the degenerate hip-hop gangsta rap music. When an out-of-work redneck fuck shoots up a church because he hates gays and liberals, nobody will ever wonder about what he listened to on the radio. Funny, that.