Archive - 2008

December 23rd

The Nth Annual YAD Holiday Gift Guide

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Memo to the readership: MY HELPFULNESS KNOWS NO BOUNDS.

Admit it. It's two days to Christmas and your shopping isn't done. You're having the tough time finding the perfect gifts for the special people in your life. Especially now that your entire holiday budget consists of whatever change you can find in the couch plus two coupons for free six-piece McNuggets, and you need one of those coupons to make sure you don't starve before New Years.

Fear not. As part of my endless trawling through cyberspace, my net occasionally picks up great products that would make even better gifts, and so I pass them on to you in the true spirit of the holiday.

Why not give a baby? Babies are free, at least upfront. Upkeep costs are a stone bitch, but if you like puke and poop, a baby is the gift that never stops giving. And speaking of babies and never stopping, I got this idea from our bestest friends from Arkansas, the both literally and metaphorically fucking Duggar family, who just welcomed their eighteenth baby, Jordyn-Grace, into their ridiculous, ridiculous lives. So if you know someone who has a reality show that they desperately need to keep interesting, an unfillable void in their heart, or ideally, both, give them another baby. They and their sponsors at Pampers will thank you for it.

One gift I would NOT recommend giving to the Duggars, on the grounds that it (a) would be doomed from the start, and (b) probably doesn't come in trampoline sizes is the Artificial Virginity Hymen. Yes, for just fifteen dollars plus shipping and handling, you can have a vaginal insert that will provide the tactile resistance and fake blood your excessively-patriarchal lover who you shouldn't be with in the first place demands.

Personally, I think the obviously non-native English speakers at online sex shop Gigimo could have worked a little harder on the name. Artificial Virginity Hymen sounds so clinical. I'd call it the Maraschino Cherry, on the grounds that it replaces something natural with fake, unknown red stuff. Still, if you have any friends named Mary, the AVH makes the greatest single gag gift in the history of Christmas.

But what about the men in your life? Men for whom an artificial hymen would ideally be completely worthless? Men for whom the last thing they need is another goddamned baby getting under the cameraman's feet? This Christmas, give the gift of Flame.

I'm not asking you to be Prometheus, here. I'm suggesting you buy a bottle of Burger King's new beef-scented cologne. Well, it's not exactly beef scented. It'd be crazy from an economic standpoint to ask you to buy something that made you smell like flame-broiled grease. That's something Burger King pays hundreds of thousands of people minimum wage for. No, instead, this body spray is "the scent of seduction with a hint of flame-broiled meat", a sensory component I'm sure we all thought was missing during our last seduction.

On the upside, at $3.99 a bottle, it's actually cheaper than taking a combo meal and smearing the patty under your armpits, which, again, is something that Burger King pays hundreds of thousands of people minimum wage for.

What, you're still not satisfied? You have some kind of obscure gift-giving situation that neither a baby, an artificial hymen, nor meat cologne will solve? All your gay friends think you hate them because you think they're incestuous, pedophilic zoophiles? Are all your attempts to convince them that stripping them of their rights doesn't make you a bad person going down badly, if you'll pardon the expression? Well, have I got the cure for you. And it's really cheap! Just give them water and donuts! Don't believe me? Just ask special holiday gift consultant Rick Warren: ACTUAL ENDORSEMENT TIME!

"Of course [I'm] not [homophobic]. I have always treated them with respect. When they come and wanna talk to me, I talk to ‘em. When the protesters came, we served them water and donuts. - What Rick, in his humble nature as a man of God, refuses to mention is that upon receiving the water and donuts, all the gay protesters went home, remarking on what a thoughtful way this was for ruining their lives and possibly retroactively annulling their marriages. See you at the inauguration, Rick!