Archive - Jan 2009

January 30th

Starts Slow, But Ends With A Mangled Penis

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Memo to Clinuvel, Bachmann, the Bush Administration, and Kinlov: TODAY IS YOUR DAY.

I am, it seems, on a quest to purge all non-Big-Hollywood content from the Great Research Pile. In the spirit of hastening that process, we turn to that tried and true standby of the week's end. SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY!

If the pharmaceutical industry has its way, we will become a race of medium-beige, cholesterol-shitting men with four-hour erections. The latest company to make me question scientific progress is Clinuvel, who have just gotten their new drug "afamalenodtide" approved for clinical trials. The trials will see if afamalenodtide is an effective treatment for people with extremely rare skin conditions that render them vulnerable to the sun's rays.

And since all pharmaceutical companies exist for the sole purpose of benefiting the health of mankind, it would be UNkind of me to point out that the reason it might work in those circumstances is that afamalenodtide is a tanning drug. You take it, you produce more melanin, your skin gets darker without lying in a bed-shaped microwave or spraying yourself with orange dye. Suffice it to say we need this drug even less than we need boner pills, and yet we are up to our boners in boner pills, so I'm betting that within a decade, we'll be up to our curiously bronzed foreheads in Natutan, or Melanow, or Fakosun, or whatever they decide to call it, because even I'm not willing to learn how to spell or say "afamalenodtide".

Apparently the drug is huge on the Internet black market, with thousands and thousands of crazy people buying mysterious white powders from shady e-mail scammers, mixing it with water, and injecting it into their own abdomens so that they can get a tan, hepatitis, and addicted to baking soda all at the same time. And Big Pharma will never let a bunch of shady foreigners horn in on their "free pen for each medical 'necessity'" scheme for long, so prepare yourself for a dramatic reduction in American albedo within a decade. This will cause the planet to absorb even more heat from the sun, accelerate global warming, but on the good side, our bloated, drowned corpses won't be pasty.


Speaking of global warming, Michelle Bachmann is a officially the moron bitch-goddess of the House of Representatives. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"On the Inauguration Day, Dr. Tom Price [GOP U.S. congressman from Georgia] can attest to this -- we were freezing to death, sitting there during the inauguration, with our blankets huddled up there. We were asking Al Gore when he came in through the door, ‘Hey Al, is it cold enough for you down there? This isn’t exactly a global warming day.’" - Bachmann, at the Americans for Prosperity teleconference.

Michelle Bachmann is a lucky, lucky woman. Swedish scientists have confirmed that Al Gore hears one stupid fucking joke about cold weather every hour from mid-October through the first week of March. At this point, he's like the San Andreas Fault. Someone's gonna crack that joke one too many times, and Gore's gonna go all Buzz Aldrin on their ass, and no jury in the world will convict him. The footage will be shown on the Internet until the Internet itself is drowned by global warming. Bachmann got away with it. This time.


President Obama's staff members assigned to the problem of Guantanamo Bay detainees have discovered that the case files for the hundreds of suspected terrorists undergoing extralegal military tribunals either don't exist, or are scattered throughout the system.

There's no joke here, I just wanted to make sure we all notched our official estimate of George W. Bush's total incompetence up another half of a percent.


And finally, it's a news story from an Austrian paper reporting on an incident from Russia, so this may very well be apocryphal, but fuck it, it's Friday. A drunken Moscow man (what's Russian for "redundant"?) is, if this story is true, currently in a hospital getting what's left of his penis surgically reconstructed after he attempted to fuck a raccoon.

Now, since nobody in his right mind would fuck a raccoon, on account of them being nothing but fur, teeth, claws, and attitude, there are two possibilities. Either the somewhat improbably named Alexander Kinlov* is not in his right mind, or in his drunken haze, he mistook the raccoon for his personal fetish, a Russian supermodel with two black eyes and a mink stole. In any case, assuming he exists and this happened, we salute Alexander Kinlov for extraordinary achievement in the art of attempted animal fuckery.

*Which I believe is Russian for "fucking your sister".