Archive - Jan 22, 2009

Dirk Benedict Is Fucking Insane

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Memo to Dirk Benedict: YOU ARE FUCKING INSANE.

Sometimes, I will admit, I have been known to bury the lede. I am justifiably fond of the sound of my own voice, and I'm a fan of the lengthy intro. Today, not so much. You see, Dirk Benedict is fucking insane.

And yes, I mean THAT Dirk Benedict. Of Classic Battlestar Galactica fame. Of The A-Team fame. Of no other fame. That Dirk Benedict, it turns out, is fucking insane. And I wouldn't have known this if it weren't for my new most favorite least favorite site on the Internet - and everyone can say it at once if you want - BIG HOLLYWOOD. In the sea of washed-up C-list has-beens and whiny wannabes that make up the small fraction of Big Hollywood writers actually associated with Hollywood, Dirk Benedict stands fucking insane head and fucking insane shoulders above the rest. Big-Hair Starbuck! Face-Man! Gary Graham -wishes- he had that kind of street cred.

And when it comes to being completely fucking insane, Benedict stands out from the crowd almost as much. And on Big Hollywood, that's some stiff competition in every possible sense of the word. Look no further than the title of Benedict's debut article for the blog, which is both creative and psychotic. I give you:

"Lt. Starbuck … Lost In Castration."

I'm guessing you're already extrapolating Benedict's article in your head. Bitter old actor, upset that one of two characters he's famous for was given a vagina in the recent update; upset that Richard Hatch bitched and was given a plum role as Tom Zarek while Benedict sat at home in his colonial underpants; upset at a world in which Dirk Fucking Insane Benedict is no longer relevant. And you would be right. But you would only be scratching the tip of the iceberg, if you'll pardon the mixed metaphors. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"There was a time, I know I was there, when men were men, women were women and sometimes a cigar was just a good smoke. But 40 years of feminism have taken their toll. The war against masculinity has been won. Everything has turned into its opposite, so that what was once flirting and smoking is now sexual harassment and criminal. And everyone is more lonely and miserable as a result."

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Dirk Benedict is not just fucking insane, he's one of those Feminism Has Ruined Everything By Eroding The Gender Roles I'm Most Comfortable With brand of fucking insane. It's not just that his tiny Colonial Pants Viper is threatened by Katie Sackhoff*, it's society as a whole. Lt. Starbuck, with his disco hair, crotch-hugging pants, and not-at-all-Freudian cigar is simply too big a threat to today's tame, politically-correct world."One can quickly surmise what a problem the original Starbuck created for the re-imaginators. Starbuck was all charm and humor and flirting without an angry bone in his womanizing body. Yes, he was definitely “female driven,” but not in the politically correct ways of Re-imagined Television. What to do, wondered the Re-imaginators? Keep him as he was, with a twinkle in his eye, a stogie in his mouth and a girl in every galaxy? This could not be. He would stick out like, well, like a jock strap in a drawer of thongs. Starbuck refused to be re-imagined. It became the Great Dilemma. How to have your Starbuck and delete him too?

Here is what I will not do. I will first and foremost not in any way imagine how Dirk Benedict knows what a jockstrap in a drawer full of thongs looks like. I won't I won't I won't, and you'd better not either. And stay the fuck out of Photoshop while you're at it. I will also not bring up how, at least in the beginning, Kara "Starbuck" Thrace was just as drinky, just as smoky, and just as bedhoppy as the character Benedict claims she's a feminist polar opposite of. What I will point out is that Dirk Benedict needs to get the fuck over himself more than anyone in history.

I mean, I hate to leap to Ron Moore's defense, but I guarantee you Moore gave classic Starbuck a hell of a lot less thought than Benedict ascribes to him. And I'm guessing all of it was focused on walking a fairly narrow line necessary early in the BSG remake - how to pay homage to and remind people of the original Battlestar, but not remind them too much of it, because the original Battlestar Galactica sucked harder than the vacuum of space on a space-donkey's exposed space-nutsack. At its dumbest and worst, new BSG is twice the show old BSG was at its dramatic peak. Some tiny part of Benedict's psyche must realize this, but it's buried under piles of fucking insane:

"It is your fault. You and your individual instincts, tastes and judgment — your refusal to let go of the memory of the show that once was. You just don’t know what is good for you. But stay tuned. After another 13 episodes (and millions of dollars of marketing), you will see the light. You, your instincts, your judgment, are wrong. McDonald’s is the best hamburger on the planet, Coca-Cola the best drink, and Stardoe is the best Viper Pilot in the Galaxy. And 'Battlestar Galactica,' contrary to what your memory tells you, never existed before the Re-imagination of 2004. I disagree. But perhaps, you had to be there."

Yes, Dirk. The old Battlestar was a creative masterpiece, free of any marketing, franchising, or tie-ins. And the new Battlestar is a powerful Hollywood juggernaut on par with McDonald's and Coca-Cola, intent on wiping the original Battlestar Galactica (for sale on DVD at your local retailer along with Galactica 1980 and its flying motorcycles and super-children) from our collective memories because the original's bold vision of plastic-jockstrap space lacrosse is too damn dangerous.

And if Dirk Benedict is looking for a corporate overlord to blame for ruining the good name of Starbuck, is it really possible that he's failed to notice the most obvious, foam-topped choice? Have I mentioned that Dirk Benedict is fucking insane? I believe I have. But lest I be accused of mocking the mentally ill, I would also like to mention that Dirk Benedict is also a huge douchebag. ACTUAL FUCKING INSANE DOUCHEBAG TIME!

"I’m not sure if a cigar in the mouth of Stardoe resonates in the same way it did in the mouth of Starbuck. Perhaps. Perhaps it “resonates” more. Perhaps that’s the point. I’m not sure. What I am sure of is this… Women are from Venus. Men are from Mars. Hamlet does not scan as Hamletta. Nor does Hans Solo as Hans Sally. Faceman is not the same as Facewoman. Nor does a Stardoe a Starbuck make. Men hand out cigars. Women “hand out” babies. And thus the world for thousands of years has gone’ round."

What the fuck? Dirk, baby, you've had since 1977 to learn the name of the Star Wars character you played a complete goddamned ripoff of. GET IT RIGHT, ASSHOLE. And enjoy your stay at Big Hollywood, you has-been fossilized dinosaur fuckhole. You'll fit in perfectly amongst the other retrograde wingnuts with laughable IMDB profiles. Hope it pays at least as well as A-Team DVD residuals.

*I will point out, in the one valid and funny point Benedict could have made and didn't, that as names go, "Sackhoff" does sound pretty damn emasculating.