Archive - Jan 8, 2009

Coleman Whiners Dafter

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Memo to Norm's Fightin' Bitches: YOU ARE DUMB.

Those of you who pay rapt attention to the subjects covered in this column may have noticed that I have kept my handy and quite useful ten-foot-pole completely the fuck away from the Minnesota senatorial recount until now. This is partly because it wasn't settled, but mostly because I've been irritated by how close it was.

But in the two months since the election, at both the local and national levels, Republicans, their operatives in the media, and the hordes of poor suckers who believe them have been compiling a collection of anecdotes out of misunderstood news stories, paranoia, and whole cloth to contend that Al Franken has stolen all 400-odd votes he's picked up since the recount began.

For these people, I have a simple message, the same message I had for Democrats in 2000 and 2004. So fucking what? Suck it up and move on. Here's the rule. If you can't win by enough to make it unstealable, or actually catch the fuckers red-handed and prove they stole it and change the outcome, tough shit. That means you lost. Is it nice? No. Is it fair? No. Is it politics? Hell yeah.

This is why I don't actually have a huge problem with Toothy McBoughthisdentistaboat's latest court challenge. Sure, it's completely hypocritical, given that Norm was almost exactly as many votes ahead when he demanded that Franken ditch the recount for the good of the state. But we all knew it was hypocritical when he said it, just like we knew the sky was blue. If Norm has a case, the court will hear it. And if, as is likely, Norm doesn't have a case, we'll all get to laugh at him. I like Al, but he's got six years to be a Senator. There's no rush.

And at the end of it all, when Norm's court challenges fail, Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh and right-wing nutjobs will say for the next six years that he stole the election. There's no way to stop them. So the best thing to do is to brag about it. Yes, we stole it. We stole it out from under your fucking noses, in front of live webcams, with the help of Republican judges, over the course of a two-month public process.

We stole it, and it was a fucking Oceans Eleven caper, requiring the Democratic party to have cunning, discipline, unity, and a willingness to do anything to come out ahead of the GOP. It was brilliantly executed, and there's not a damn thing any of you troglodytes can do about it. So there. Never mind that the mythical Democratic Party that could have pulled this off hasn't existed for decades, assuming it ever existed in the first place. These people think cutting taxes raises revenue. They'll believe ANYTHING.

So rub it in their thick, slack-jawed, drooling faces. Let them have a bit of fear in their hearts that Democrats are ruthless, amoral political manipulators. We could use the boost in our reputation after the Roland Burris clusterfuck of the past week. Machiavellian we ain't.