Archive - Jan 9, 2009

Restoring Traditional Values, One Catfight At A Time

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Memo to Big Hollywood: HERE COME THE BRIDES.

I need to warn you all, making fun of Big Hollywood could be a theme of 2008. Literally ten minutes after making fun of them, I was already full of other ideas for how to make fun of them. They're a perfect storm of stupid. Or at least an ernest scared stupid of stupid.

Case in point. For all their hysterical kvelling about liberals churning out anti-values propaganda 24/7, why aren't the Big Hollytards promoting the hell out of "Bride Wars"? If ever there was a movie so conservative it could give Phyllis Schlafly her first erection of the millennium, Bride Wars is that movie.

On the surface, it's everything Big Hollywood should be hoping for. It's a major, big-budget release, with two bankable actors* - Kate Hudson and Anne Hathaway. It's getting wide promotion, lots of ads, and it's reinforcing traditional gender roles like it's one of Obama's stimulus bridges. The trailers for it have been proven to render dyspeptic the stomachs of die-hard liberals with Internet polemic columns. What more could Big Hollywood want?

Hudson and Hathaway play a couple of well-off women who have been looking forward to their respective wedding days since they were children. Which, for Big Hollywood, is only just and proper. They get engaged at a fairly reasonable age, without any dangerous flirtations with careers or independence. And when their lavish, downtown, hotel weddings end up on the same date, they turn on each other in fierce, brutal, constantly-escalating competition.

What better way to personify the conservative American mindset than with the image of two pretty, rich, young, spoiled white women tackling each other in wedding dresses? Men get to laugh and feel superior. Women get to laugh while being reminded of what's really important. And while no movie like this can escape a happy ending, I guaranfuckingtee you that said ending will not involve Hudson and Hathaway going lesbian, abandoning materialism, and eloping together to join the Peace Corps as the Dixie Chicks play over the closing credits.

Not surprisingly, the only mention of this conservative wet dream on Big Hollywood is a horribly-written box office prediction from "accomplished and versatile writer" Steve Mason, who predicts that despite horrible early reviews, Bride Wars may top this week's returns. ACTUAL QUOTE FROM AN ACCOMPLISHED AND VERSATILE WRITER TIME!

I am anticipated that David Frankel’s Marley & Me (Fox) will make it a 1-2 Fox finish. Based on John Grogan’s beloved memoir, this lovable lab-turned-box office star should paw its way to another $15.16M or so, down about 37% from New Year’s weekend."

Well, I am anticipated that Bride Wars is gonna blow taffeta and floral chunks, and the readers of You Are Dumb Dot Net am anticipated that Steve Mason's awesome grasp of verb tense is just one more reason why Big Hollywood is the go-to site for deep mental dysfunction in 2009.

*We could even call them "actresses" if it'll keep the Unknown Screenwriter from going up to his clock tower for today.