Archive - Oct 9, 2009

Too Many Assholes To Count

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Memo to Wells Fargo, Newt Gingrich, and Chuck Norris: NICE, ASSHOLES.

This country was founded on a simple ratio. 1:1. One man, one vote. Oh, sure, we've had a hell of a time properly defining "man" since 1776, and only really gotten that part mostly right in the last few decades, but it's a simple and powerful ratio that matches a similar one found in nature. One person, one asshole. You would think that would be a fairly simple thing to maintain, but despite decades of fairly stable population growth, the number of assholes is skyrocketing. And the only way for me to keep up with them all is to use at least two words you normally don't like to have associated with assholes. SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY!

One of the ways assholes proliferate is through incorporation. Since, thanks to an ambitious court stenographer, corporations now count as people, corporations also count as assholes. And corporations can grow to be much bigger assholes than even the most dedicated human being.

Take Wells Fargo. They're a bank, which means they start out 75% asshole right out of the gate. But Wells Fargo has been, if you'll again pardon the unfortunate word-pairing, on a real asshole tear of late. Lots of accusations of very shady loan dealings with minorities over the summer. Their recent decision to hike credit card rates by three percent right before it'd become illegal to do so*, and now another fascinating accusation: profiting off customers' poor math skills. ACTUAL ACCUSATION TIME!

"According to a class-action suit filed in San Diego Superior Court, Wells Fargo customer Brandi McLay says that when she and other customers have made ATM deposits and mistakenly entered a dollar amount lower than the amount of the cash or checks on the keypad, the bank 'pockets the difference,' as first reported by Courthouse News Service. McLay claims that when such 'Under-inputs' are below than $10, the bank retains the money under an 'Excess Funds Retention Policy.'" - The Huffington Post.

Note that nobody has ever accused the bank of depositing small "over-inputs" into customer's accounts. So really, they're acting like we all do in Target - not saying a word if the cashier forgets to ring something through, but at Customer Service in a second if they've scanned a $2 bag of chips twice. But they're a bank. Accurately counting money is their job. Allegedly counting money accurately but still taking my math at face value when I'm wrong? That's epic assholery. And the fact that it seems like exactly the kind of thing a modern bank would do doesn't reflect well on the entire industry's reputation.

Another way assholes proliferate is through repetition. An asshole act, if repeated, essentially creates entire new assholes through a sort of anal mitosis. This is how a solid 3% of all the assholes on Earth have Newt Gingrich's DNA.

Case in point. Newt Gingrich has a 527 group that inexplicably hands out "Entrepreneur of the Year" awards. I say awards because there are apparently a whole lot of "Entrepreneurs of the Year" in any given year. So many that Gingrich's staff has no fucking idea who they're going to.

At the beginning of September, porn executive Alison Vivas was named Arizona's "Entrepreneur of The Year", or one of Arizona's EotY's, for all I know. She would have had the opportunity to go to Washington, have dinner with Newt, and received a signed replica of Gingrich's gavel. Since this news broke, however, the award was rescinded, Vivas was told it was given to her by mistake, and more importantly, all the good dick jokes about Gingrich's "Gavel" have been made.

Well, fast forward to a week or two ago, and another "Entrepreneur of the Year" had to be disinvited from dinner and ceremonial gavel-banging. No dinner for Dawn Rizos, and no plaque for The Lodge, an upscale titty bar in Dallas, TX. Now, Newt Gingrich is often named as a potential 2012 presidential candidate, and since the "If he can't, then how can he" construction has a long and storied tradition in recent politics, I ask this. If Newt Gingrich can't even find titty bars and porn on the Internet, how can he begin to solve the complex problems of a modern America?

Chuck Norris is an asshole. Crazy fucking asshole. We know that, but since I plan to spend some time next week getting you all up to speed on the current state of the Great Wingnut Revolution, I thought I'd preview things by giving you a sample of the frothy mutterings of one of its chief generals. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"If that describes you, then I suggest you fly some revolutionary flag in lieu of your 50-star flag over the next year. Post the 13-star Betsy Ross flag, Navy Jack or Gadsden flag ("Don't Tread on Me") or any representation that tells the story of Old Glory and makes a stand for our Founders' vision of America... So what do you say we make a statement by flying a different flag and educate our neighbors when they ask us, 'Why are you flying that flag instead of the contemporary Stars and Stripes?' (If you insist on posting a modern USA flag, too, then get one that is tea-stained to show your solidarity with our Founders.)"

I'm only going to say this once, so enjoy it. DO WHAT CHUCK NORRIS SAYS. Although honestly, I don't know why you have to go to the trouble of finding a flag with a snake on it, or using the 50 boxes of Tetley you have left over from the last four fizzled Tea Parties to stain your Old Glory. If you want to mark yourself as a retrograde racist fuck who hates what America has become as much as I want you to so mark yourself, we already have a flag that serves exactly that purpose. Fly some Stars and Bars. It'll be the first honest thing you've done all year.

*Although really, can you blame them? Any government stupid enough to pass a law making certain practices illegal but giving the people who employ those practices six months' notice to keep doing so deserves to have their faces shoved in it.