Archive - Oct 2009

October 28th

Science Officially Dropped

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Memo to Michele Bachmann, Tom Coburn, and Alexander Marlowe: YOU ARE DUMB.

Food nerds and culinary types have a term, "mouthfeel", which describes the texture of foods - especially foods redolent with oils and fats. Coincidentally, I have a term, "mouthfool", which describes the stupidity of fools - especially fools redolent with idiocy and fatuousness. And as is my custom, I celebrate the actions of mouthfools with, and feel free to say it with me, IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS.

"Well remember it’s who the American people are referring to Larry. And the American people are looking to voices like Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh, Mark Levin, Glenn Beck – If you look for a critical mass, that’s the movement, that’s the direction that the critical mass is going. And the American people are very smart people. - Michele Bachmann, just to placate her and keep her from going on a quote rampage. This was from Larry King Live.

Michele Bachmann wouldn't know a smart person if one voted for her by accident. The only way Michele Bachmann could possibly conclude that the American people are very smart people is to have a definition of "very smart" that includes her, but doesn't include anyone who knows how to use the phrase "critical mass" correctly. Here's a hint - they don't move in a direction, dumbass.

Now, if what she meant to say is that all the people listening to Hannity, Limbaugh, Who The Fuck Is Mark Levin, and Glenn Beck are collecting uranium, and they've almost collected a critical mass, that would be exciting. Until we found out that it wasn't uranium, it was boxes of actual Duncan Hines yellow cake that they'd been taking on carnival rides because they heard Iran was using centrifuges.

"The University of Michigan may have some interesting theories about recent elections, but Americans who have an interest in electoral politics can turn to CNN, FOX News, MSNBC, the print media, and a seemingly endless number of political commentators on the internet who pour [sic] over this data and provide a myriad of viewpoints to answer the same questions. Theories on political behavior are best left to CNN, pollsters, pundits, historians, candidates, political parties, and the voters, rather than being funded out of taxpayers’ wallets. - Oklahoma congressman Tom Coburn, on why the government shouldn't be giving grants to colleges to study political science.

This is the kind of mind-bogglingly stupid shit that makes me seem more opposed to the free market than I actually am. I'm all for all of those institutions Coburn names going about their business and providing political commentary and analysis, but it's a whole other beast. Little to none of it has any kind of academic rigor or scholarship to it. Well, except for the historians. But where the fuck does Tom Coburn think historians come from? From universities, many of them public, who get money from the government.

Also, if you take out some of the verbiage, you have Tom Coburn saying "theories on political behavior are best left to the voters", which is like saying that "theories on herd behavior are best left to the cows". But I will forgive Tom Coburn, because he's from Oklahoma, where the difference between cows and voters lies only in the number of stomachs.

"There has been a rumor floating around that Fred Armisen is intentionally, perhaps at the behest of the NBC powers-that-be, making his Obama impersonation as inaccurate and unfunny as possible." - Alexander Marlow, of Big Hollywood.

Now, I don't know who Alexander Marlowe is. I mean that seriously. His bio says he's an "Associate Editor of Big Government and Big Hollywood", and nothing else, which probably means that Andy Breitbart owes him money. Or he owes Andy Breitbart money.

But it doesn't really matter who he is, because only on Big Hollywood could someone go to the trouble of putting forward a conspiracy theory explaining why Saturday Night Live isn't funny. Other things happening at the behest of the NBC powers that be: that strange blue color in the sky, the recently-devised ability of water to make things wet, and Pope Benedict's recent conversion to Catholicism.