Archive - Oct 2009

October 21st

Philosophical Graffiti

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Memo to Steve King, Andy Williams, and Mark Ecko: YOU ARE DUMB.

It seems like there's one of these Wednesdays every week. But that's fine by me. I'll take any opportunity to dig down to the bottom of the research pile, pull out three of the older ridiculous quotes I constantly collect in my travels. Sure, dealing from the bottom means no Shadegg or Buchanan this week, but what can I say. It's tough to keep up with all the IDIOTS who SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"But if, there also would be no rational argument against group marriage. And I just take this along the rationale even further and would say if relationships between individuals cannot be prohibited by the state legislature then there is no ban that can actually be constitutional that would ban group marriage. And it wouldn’t have to be for reasons of, let me say, love or lust. It could be reasons of profitability or avoiding taxes or accessing benefits. So in the end this is something that has to come with a, if there’s a push for a socialist society, a society where the foundations of individual rights and liberties are undermined and everybody is thrown together, living collectively off of one pot of resources earned by everyone. That is, this is one of the goals they have to go to is same-sex marriage because it has to plow through marriage in order to get to their goal. They want public affirmation. They want access to public funds and resources. Eventually all those resources will be pooled because that’s the direction we’re going. And not only is it a radical social idea, it is a purely socialist concept in the final analysis." - YAD Frequent Flyer, Iowa Rep. Steve King, on WorldNetDaily's radio show, where apparently this kind of shit makes sense.

Further proof that the word "socialist" has been officially redefined as "shit Republicans don't like". Steve King doesn't like same-sex marriage. Which is understandable - he's a congressman from Iowa, a state that is currently barreling toward the destruction of the family, legalized incest, bestiality, pedophilia, and non-stop corpse-fucking because gay marriage is legal there. But aren't all those things scary enough without bringing socialism into the mix? Apparently not.

King's logic is impeccable, in that if you tried to peck it, your beak would be stuck in a giant pile of shit, and nobody wants rich Iowa shit all over their beak. Gay marriage leads to group marriage, and group marriage is just a backdoor way for a bunch of hippies who are only mildly acquainted with each other to form communes and get health benefits because they're spousing each other. And liberals are pushing for gay marriage not because we love buttsecks, but because we love all the free stuff you get when you join a commune. Once again, King is saying the kind of thing that should get people committed, not re-elected.

"Don't like him at all. I think he wants to create a socialist country. The people he associates with are very Left-wing. One is registered as a Communist. Obama is following Marxist theory. He's taken over the banks and the car industry. He wants the country to fail." - Ancient and irrelevent songmeister Andy Williams, proving to everyone that he's still alive, senile as fuck, and thinks the shit he hears on WorldNetDaily's radio show makes sense.

Andy Williams wouldn't know a Marxist theory if he popped a half-dozen Viagra, checked out the mint-condition copy of Das Kapital from the Branson, MO public library, had wild, old-man intercourse with the gap in the binding, and woke the next morning to find it had fallen open to one of the pages explaining Marxist theory. And then, if by some feat of magic, the book came to life, cooked him breakfast, and sang him Marxist theory to the tune of "Moon River", he STILL wouldn't know a damn thing about it.

"He's taken over the banks" is one of the most mind-bogglingly stupid talking points the wingnuts have going these days, which is an impressive feat in and of itself. Nobody's taken over the banks. They've been given hundreds of billions of dollars, in exchange for which they've handed out bonuses, pretended they're profitable, and come up with dozens of new ways to siphon money from their customers. That's not a government takeover. And if it WAS a government takeover, it still wouldn't have been Obama that did it, because, and all you wingnuts look at the giant, phonetic cue cards and do your best to read along with me here, BUSH STARTED THE BANK BAILOUT. Not Obama. Bush. Dubya. Chimpfucker. Your bestest buddy after Ronaldus Magnus. Get it? Got it? Of course you don't.

"Getting Up was a lot of blood, sweat, and tears. Atari shit the bed, you know? And I'm gonna fucking make that game again if it kills me. I'm gonna do it. I want to see the brand out there again." - Mark Ecko, the most punchable man in fashion, talking to game blog Destructoid.

OK, the search says I never properly made fun of "Mark Ecko's Gettin' Up: Contents Under Pressure" when it came out in 2006. I find this difficult to believe, but all I can find is a single oblique reference to the combination open-world platforming and graffiti-spraying game that was poised to take the world by storm, and instead haunted clearance bins for an entire generation. And while nobody can truly say why one product succeeds and another fails in the marketplace, both Ecko and I have very strong opinions about what caused MEGUCUP to tank like an M1 Abrams driven by that guy from The Matrix into an above-ground storage facility for liquids.

Mark Ecko blames Atari, because it was their job to take Mark Ecko's unique and bold vision, and turn it into a video game that no man, woman, child, or manchild could resist playing, and in their attempt to do that job, whichever corporate entity had purchased the rights to the Atari name in the most recent bankruptcy option apparently pooped in their sleeping place. Or slept in their pooping place. Whichever. Me, I think it's because Mark Ecko is to douches what the Alien Queen is to bi-mouthed, acid-blooded xenomorphs, and that the game, being merely mediocre, couldn't overcome the obstacles caused by Mark Ecko's many and vast personality flaws.

Unfortunately, the only way for one of us to be proven right is for some video game company to take Ecko up on his offer, fucking make that game again if it kills him and get that brand out there again. And since there's only a very slim chance that fucking making that game again would actually kill him, I'd prefer to live with the ambiguity instead.