Archive - Oct 2009

October 19th

Equality: Ur Doin It Wrong

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Memo to Keith Bardwell: YOU ARE DUMB.

As I've documented in this space time and time again, in the year 2009, the single most potent indicator of racism in the public sphere is the phrase "I'm not racist". Because the phrase is invariably uttered by someone who has just done something mind-bogglingly racist, and has been called on it.

Put a sign in front of your establishment saying that Obama's going to "nigger-rig" health care? Odds are good the next day you'll be telling local news you aren't racist. Put on a blackface minstrel show in Australia? "We're not racist". Try to buy a football team, only to be rebuffed after black players make clear they won't play on any team you own? Go on your national radio show and swear up and down you're not a racist.

Get elected as the justice of the peace in Tangipahoa, Louisiana, and refuse to certify interracial marriages? Of course you know what's coming. ACTUAL QUOTES TIME!

"I'm not a racist. I just don't believe in mixing the races that way." - Keith Bardwell, to the Associated Press.

"Asked if he is 'racist,' Bardwell replies: 'Absolutely not. My definition of a racist is to hate black people, or treat black people different than anybody else,' he says." - USA Today reporting on a subsequent interview with AP.

Let's get one thing straight right off the fucking bat. Not believing in mixing the races that way is one of the prime tenets of racism. It always has been, and it always will be, and if Keith Bardwell doesn't like being called a racist, then tough shit. He can come to grips with one of two things - that the "races" are already mixed, and that his fears of how interracial children will suffer were unfounded, or that he's a fucking racist. I don't care which, but this justice of the pigfuckery needs to own up to reality.

Now, most racists have some fucked-up definition of racism that somehow excludes them. But Bardwell goes one step further, and also redefines both "differently" and "equally" than everyone else. He doesn't treat black people differently from anyone else? He treats a black person differently than a white person when they come in wanting to marry a white person. The fact that he treats white people differently when they want to marry black people does not create karmic racial balance.

But to dive headlong into the deep end of Bardwell's self-delusion requires one more astonishing, mind-blowing, top-ten-dumbest ACTUAL QUOTE TIMES ever:

"If he did an interracial marriage for one couple, he must do the same for all, he said. 'I try to treat everyone equally,' he said." - from the original AP article.

OK, I'm going to say this carefully, calmly, and slowly. That's. Not. What. Equally. Means. YOU HICK-ASS RACIST MOTHERFUCKER. OK, just carefully and slowly.

Treating everyone equally does not mean dividing them into groups and then treating all the members of that group the same way. Let's say you treat all same-race couples one way, say, marrying them and sending them a nice fruit basket afterwards. And let's say you treat all interracial couples the same way, say, murdering them and keeping their carved-up bodies in your basement? That doesn't mean you treat all people equally.

To put it another way, just because Hitler treated all the Jews equally doesn't make him a decent guy.

And now, because the situation calls for it, a bit of blatant cruelty. Bardwell, feeling a bit persecuted for his views, engaged in a bit of the ol' whine-n-cheese in his second interview, saying, "Everybody hates me. Really. I don't know why. I treat people, I figure, equal. I have one problem with mixed marriages and that is the offspring."

Oh, if only Keith Bardwell's parents had shared his concerns back in the day. But dammit, that forehead and that newt loved each other, and some politically-correct justice of the peace married them, without the slightest thought about what life would be like for the hideous, hideous offspring, Keith Bardwell:

If that's what the purity of the races gives us, then GO TEAM MISCEGENATION!